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It was purchased on a date in 2013 – the year that was embodied by so many life upending events. Long gestating disillusionments with places like New York City, Southern California, pretty much anywhere on Planet Earth. Unmet book and writing thoughts and deadlines haunted her dreams, and it felt as though eras of her life had passed her by – while she held in a pattern of waiting for it all to begin, again.
So she bought some underwear – but not just any underwear – white lace lingerie, and yes, there is a difference. Refined, but risqué. It is innocent, yet provocative, it is the ACDC song under the yellow floral sundress. It says “I care; I want you”.
He had been everything but not the one. He told her about how he couldn’t stop thinking about making out with her, wanting to be near her bare skin, bending her over the counter tops. But somehow – it was all just words, with no observable impact. It was a slow burn dissolution of reality and totally unsustainable. She loved the optimism and the flirtation, the reminder of something about herself that she didn’t want to forget, that she couldn’t ever forget. That she was indeed – a woman, whose sensuality never left, it was just sleeping. And he was gone – and she was here, cut to pieces and ribbons, shreds and shards…waiting for it all to awaken and begin, again.
The angels knew they had to heal her…because she had given up on life and love. She tried so hard to heal others, in so many ways. She tried too hard to get her very essential soul needs met, and she just got worn down. Given that – there was no choice – other than to stiffen up. There was another choice – a choice to blossom, but it seemed far away. The arthritic brittleness that had enveloped her was so familiar that she had forgotten how soft she once was. She belittled everything and everyone, and it was due to the ravenous ghosts of frustrations and fears that she hadn’t ever done enough. She wanted to stop the endless pain and emptiness. She wanted to remember that people could be trusted and that they wouldn’t all just leave. She forgot how to be a woman, how to wear perfume, how to comb her hair. She stopped circulating her wishes. She forgot. She forgot to open her eyes, her heart, and her legs to lust, to love, to feeling. If she could only remember, the power of her indomitable force of nature would come rushing back into her soul. When would she dare to be powerful again? When would she remember that she could indeed move the entire world? One day though, she came to know that sometimes people with the worst past end up creating the best future. Her future is now…time to remember…perhaps it was rediscovery of the white lingerie, perhaps it was the newness of the year, perhaps it was the promise of feelings long dormant reviving themselves, perhaps she just knew, it was time for it to begin, again…