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Falling In Love With A Grown Man’s Potential Is The Absolute Worst

Dating & Relationships / September 27, 2017

As women, many of us have a super woman complex. We believe that we have the ability to fix all that ails the world.  While, I do believe that women have superpowers (the ability to multitask like no other), I simultaneously believe that we often fail to employ one of our most important powers: the power of reasoning. I.E. common sense when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex.

What is it about a man that makes our entire ability to reason fly out of the window? How do we become so “dickstracted” and end up paralyzed and unable to remove ourselves from “dicksand” despite knowing our lives, hearts, and/or minds are in jeopardy of being abused and traumatized?  And for the ultimate ironic twist, how is it that we can give the best relationship advice to our friends who may be in the exact same situation as we are, but in our own relationship affairs, “we can’t see the forest for the trees”, so to speak?

Word to the Wise

I saw a post on Facebook the other day that read, “Word to the wise: keep him out of your bed, then you can keep him out of your head!  You can’t get over him, if you’re still lying under him!”  Those words resonated deep within me because I know so many women who think that just because a man engages in sexual intercourse with them, that he loves or at the very least cares for them.  This could not be further from the truth.  Men are not built like us, a great number of men can engage in multiple sexual relationships and be unbothered; however for most women, it’s a little more difficult for us to keep from being emotionally invested with those who we share our bodies.

I believe that it is highly unfortunate and a true disadvantage for women who think that they are different from the women who men have been with previously.  The aforementioned women seem to believe that they ultimately hold some sort of magical pussy power and that he will not treat them the way he has treated the women before. [In my early twenties, I felt this way at times too.  Not to say that I really thought that I could make a man change with my sexual prowess, but that I would be able to awaken the potential that I saw within him.]

MUST READ: An Open Letter to Mr. Wrong

I am here to inform you ladies that falling in love with a grown man’s potential is the absolute worst! True, it is great that he has potential, but if at the age of 30+ he has not yet tapped into it, you are probably not going to be the one responsible for his awakening. It is not your job to awaken his potential.  If you are trying to bring something from deep within him that only you can see, this is akin to trying to raise a child of your own.

Do people change? Yes, of course; I am one of them!  Though generally speaking, most people only change on their own recognizance and it is usually some extremely personal experience that will make them realize their need to do so.   So ladies, please wake up! Take a good look in the mirror and realize that the only person you have control over is yourself.  You have the power to stop putting up with the half hearted treatment from any man who only treats you as a convenience piece.  As long as you continue to make him a priority in your life, you will never find the place in which you seek.

Let’s Talk About The Excuses Women Make

The real question to answer is what is it that makes you want to be a priority in the life of a man who has not only any respect for you as a woman, but also hasn’t enough respect to make you a priority in his life?  So often, I hear women make excuses for their situations and they will say things like:

  1. “Well, he is looking for a way out.”  (When he is involved with another woman/married.)
  2. “I don’t really want to be in a relationship anyway.”  (When he is involved with another woman/married.)
  3. “My kids need their father.” (When she doesn’t know how to leave him.) Or even,
  4.  “My man would never do that.” (When she is so brainwashed, she can’t think straight.)

I have heard it all and probably have said a few of the above statements in my past.  Most often these things come from beautiful and highly educated women who lack the ability to reason when they are hungry for love.

This I Know For Sure

The best way to attract the type of love you really want is to learn to appreciate solitude.  Take the time between relationships to learn who you really are (because I have realized jumping from relationship to relationship only makes a woman a target for fuck boys otherwise known as boys dressed in men’s clothing).   Work on yourself, know yourself, date yourself, and love yourself.  Learn to set boundaries and do not take any bullshit from a man who wants to make you feel you deserve any less than you require.  Once you make exceptions for him, he will continue to expect them. This shows him that you are not serious about your requirements and are desperate for any crumbs that he drops for you.  Set high expectations and enforce them.  Keep in mind you will only frighten away someone who cannot meet those expectations anyway.  In the end you are saving yourself from potential heartache, pain, and wasting time!

If we women are honest with ourselves, we would realize that in order to attract the type of relationships we want, we must be what we seek.  Accept responsibility for your actions and realize that a person is only going to treat you the way you allow them to!

Peace & Bountiful Blessings!


Contributed by Shanta who is a high school English teacher and  single mother of five who has been married and divorced, engaged and widowed and experienced a toxic relationship.  She enjoys traveling with her children and also empowering women to take control of their lives in various aspects. You can reach Shanta on Instagram at awakened.renewed.spirit or on her Facebook group: Breaking Barriers: Successful Women In Action!


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Ty Knighten
Ty Knighten knows a thing or two about relationships and dating. A single mom from Calif., Ty decided to turn her experiences in love and relationships into a blog. Written with plenty of sass, her mission is to help women empower themselves to realize love, success and confidence through her articles. She writes about dating and relationships from the perspective of a single mom but adds insights that will help women and men as they maneuver through the confusing world of dating and relationships. You can reach her on Twitter @UHeardMeRight, on Facebook at The Sexy Single Mommy or connect with her on Google+ and Instagram at chocoty.

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on September 27, 2017

Wow, Ty, as always…what a great read! I believe in everything you said. It hurts my heart to see this generation of queens, competing to be a man’s main or side dish. I don’t think I could ever understand the logic. I think it stems from issues or voids rather, within ourselves. I loved the word to the wise…it’s so on point!

    on September 27, 2017

    I wish that I could take the credit but Shante get all the credit. She is a terrific writer!

on September 27, 2017

I dated a guy who didn’t have his wish together. It was interesting. Some things worked, some things…womp womp

on September 28, 2017

The Things You Know for Sure was spot on!!! Spend time with yourself and get to know yourself so when the right person comes along you will be ready!

on September 29, 2017

Let me stand up and do a slow clap for this right here. I learned this lesson now that I am single and not looking. Potential means nothing. Be grown and be about something before trying to be with someone. That goes both ways.

on September 29, 2017

Girl, this was a word. I learned this the hard way. I got married at 18 based on love and potential. There is no secret why that marriage didn’t last. I’ve since learned that is a dumb move. I won’t make that mistake again.

on October 1, 2017

Ooh yes. There are soo many women who think that they can change/help a man. I think we’ve all been there at one time in our lives.

on October 1, 2017

I learned at a very young age (at least younger than most – early 20’s) that you cannot change anyone. Focus on yourself, love yourself, and everything will fall into place. Once I learned that and did that, I met my husband.

    on January 12, 2018

    Amen to that. Realizing you can only change yourself, and not anyone else, is the secret to life.

on October 1, 2017

Many people really believe that sex doesn’t have soul ties. Its absolutely untrue. Many people should have left relationships but because bodies have literally intertwined your physical body as well as emotions. LOL Its always easier to give advice then to take your own advice.. #smh

on October 2, 2017

Ty – this was a great read! Congrats to Shante on this complex and compelling bit of writing. I wish women were a bit more wired like men to care a little less, but I guess that’s why we are great mothers. Funny how men can just turn it off so easily.

on October 3, 2017

Thank you for sharing, this is a great read. I agree with this line…”It is not your job to awaken his potential..”

on October 4, 2017

Potential does not pay the bills and doesn’t warm you up at night. That’s all I needed to know when I was dating.

on October 7, 2017

This hit it on every point. Single is liberating especially when you set boundaries. Physical only relationships only show how unvalued you are by a man. It may take as it for me but knowing your value and worth speaks volume.

on October 10, 2017

It’s one thing to support someone who is moving in a positive direction. Its a whole other thing to be pushing them or dragging them in the direction they should be going!

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