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Single Life After Divorce

Dating & Relationships / Single Moms Talk / August 23, 2017

I got married in 1999, filed for divorce in 2008, moved out of my home in 2010 and my divorce was finalized in 2013.   This is quite a timeline of events: married for 10 years and 4 months, two kids, and divorced at the age of forty.   Divorce puts a lot in perspective because I am starting from a new place and doing everything on my terms.  I think that my biggest dilemma is how to date in my 40s.

Everyone has a different agenda.  It is a pool of over forty-year-olds who were never married, separated (working on divorce), separated (considering reconciliation), separated (divorce is way on the back burner), and officially divorced.   After muddling through this pool of potentials, it becomes even more challenging being single with kids.

Dating With Kids

As a single woman with kids,  my schedule is not always free and clear without a form of pre-planning. Parenting is unpredictable in terms of unforeseen issues that arise. I think being spontaneous has officially left the building. This reality can impose issues for some who are interested in dating. When you are a parent who parents on a daily this is a priority. I have found having school age children in this age group is not a commonality. If people do not have children it is hard to relate to the challenges of parenting and if they are not juggling my daily grind it is even harder for them to empathize.

Reclaiming My Time

I think the instinct after a failed marriage is to try to recover the time lost. Guess what? This is impossible! There is no way to recover time, however, you can work on living the best life possible on your terms. I am now convinced as time goes on, it becomes easier to eliminate any nonsense that serves no purpose. The most valuable asset for me moving forward is how my time is spent My next chapters should be filled with all things that bring joy and fulfillment. I do believe it is necessary to set standards as I deserve to have what is the best for my well-being. After being married it is easy to be swayed by flattery and attention, I have learned that not all attention is the right attention. I wholeheartedly believe it is necessary to set standards.

The Real on What Being Single Means

Some of the things that really irk me as a single woman are the misconceptions of who I am and what I need. The best misconception is that being single means interested and looking. Definitely, a no. Single means I operate alone until I determine otherwise and this requires having an interest in getting to know a person. I know within a few minutes of conversation if I share commonalities with a person. If this is not the case, there is no need to exchange numbers for any further conversation. I am also not a fan of any suggestions that I need help parenting. As a parent,  it is a daily job and no one is an expert. If you share this role, I feel your time is better spent taking care of your children. Another issue is someone compelled to tell me what I need to do or should do. Let’s be clear this is no way to start off with me from the gate. No, my kids do not need a mentor or surrogate. Lastly, I’m good, really I am.
In the past seven years, I have learned to take care of three individuals with its share of ups and downs. Don’t get me wrong I am not completely anti-relationship. It is great when you do find someone with whom you share commonalities, however, getting there can be exhausting. The most important point I have learned is using the gift of discernment and the patience to wait for what is for me. I learned being single is not lonely. The alone time puts a lot in perspective and gives me the time to focus on my goals without distractions.

Preparing for Love

A few years ago, a friend told me that I need to be ready for a relationship. Initially, I was not sure what she meant by these words. In the last three years, I have experienced a few transitions and I am finally feeling like I can take a deep breath and exhale. I love having me-time to focus on my mental and physical well-being. Honestly, the mental capacity to deal with another adult is not available now. Parenting consumes so much and I want the reserve for me.  Timing is everything and I am enjoying this new space on my terms.

About the Author

divorce

A 45 plus, lifestyle blogger(@CocoaMommy.com) and full-time working mom of a tween and teen living
in the burbs of Philly. Her biggest interest include wellness, specifically fitness, aging gracefully and
living her best life with no regrets.

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Ty Knighten
Ty Knighten knows a thing or two about relationships and dating. A single mom from Calif., Ty decided to turn her experiences in love and relationships into a blog. Written with plenty of sass, her mission is to help women empower themselves to realize love, success and confidence through her articles. She writes about dating and relationships from the perspective of a single mom but adds insights that will help women and men as they maneuver through the confusing world of dating and relationships. You can reach her on Twitter @UHeardMeRight, on Facebook at The Sexy Single Mommy or connect with her on Google+ and Instagram at chocoty.




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23 Comments

on August 23, 2017

I have not been married, engaged a few times but not married. I so agree it is harder dating in your forties, I think more so with women than men. Plus, with technology, people don’t communicate as much, which is a failure in any relationship.

    on September 7, 2017

    Yes, I find our age range is limited in terms of how young or how old we are willing to date. I also find the agendas are different. There appears to be more of an affinity for casual relationships vs. establishing a solid monogamous relationship. Whereas, men over 40 have a wider age range in terms of the age of women they choose to date.

on August 23, 2017

Mommy dating is difficult sometimes!!

    on September 13, 2017

    The coordination of lifesyles makes it a challenges.

      on November 8, 2017

      Thanks so much for this! I felt like there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t interested in a relationship. I find well meaning match makers are coming out of the wood work, but I’m really not interested.

on August 24, 2017

What a beautiful and honest post!!! You are an amazing woman!

    on September 7, 2017

    Thanks, so much.

on September 13, 2017

I’m a single parent but was never married. It’s extremely hard to date at least where I’m from because the men have to be able to understand you are responsible for something bigger than yourself.

    on September 13, 2017

    I think that takes a certain level of maturity as well as men who are engaged with parenting theur child(ren) and understand the challenges. Parents who parent know it is filled with sacrifices.

on September 13, 2017

Thanks for your honesty and transparency. This is a different stage in your life and I’m reading to read more about it as your journey continues. This includes when you start to date as well.

    on September 13, 2017

    After separating, I realized I needed to be true to myself. It will definitely be wirth sn update once that part of the journey begins.

on September 13, 2017

I am not divorced but my husband passed away so I can definitely relate to a lot of this. I am enjoying single life because honestly I needed to discover who I am as a person outside of being a mom and a widow.

on September 13, 2017

Yes, this is what I failed to realize. It is so important to take time to duscover what you like, love and are passionate about for ourselves. I think this makes us better in our relationships.

on September 14, 2017

Great Read! I have a friend that is recently divorced, and I am going to share this with her! Good Stuff! And a real perspective!

on September 14, 2017

You’re absolutely right, you have to be ready to be in a relationship. Like everything else, it takes work and you have to be ready!

on September 15, 2017

Thanks for sharing your story, this was a well written and great post. I know your next relationship will be great because of all you’ve experienced and the lessons you’ve learned.

on September 15, 2017

Dating has a tough game for me to embrace. I got divorced young and sans kids but I didn’t know how to date. I spent 7 young years being a wife.

It later found me and things worked out.

on September 15, 2017

Being single in any setting married/never married or kids/no kids is a challenge. I think the journey in singlehood is really reclaiming time and getting to truly know yourself.

on September 15, 2017

Thought I can’t personally relate to this, and hope I never have to, I really enjoyed this read. I can say that having met my husband when I was 18, I forgot how to date a long time ago.

    on September 15, 2017

    Dating is such a daunting thing nowadays. Lucky you don’t have to worry about this.

      on October 9, 2017

      I know dating in this generation is hard and frustrating. Online dating actually destroys the value of proper interaction with a man and a woman. Makes people judgmental and anti-social.
      Keep your head up

on September 15, 2017

I’m so glad you are not allowing others tell you how and what you should be doing with your time or dating. I thing after each relationship/dating you should take the time to know who you are as a person. Often times we jump into relationships without healing from the past.

on September 18, 2017

I think this is a great post. However, never being married I know I should watch what I say being I don’t have experience. But, I do think dating in general is a pain.



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