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So What You Saying?
Dear Mr. Wrong,
It’s funny how my mind knew you weren’t right for me, but after all those years of us being on and off, my heart wanted to believe otherwise. It wasn’t until the day before the new year, that things started to reveal themselves. I didn’t get the chance to tell you, but I had already went into an intimate prayer with the Lord the morning you left for work.
I knew that if this “thing” we had wasn’t of GOD
that this would be the last morning you’d kiss me goodbye, and the last time I’d tell you to have a good day at work. The moment you walked out of the apartment I got up, went to the living room, and fell to my knees. You see, I had began to get uncomfortable with your presence. I asked the Lord to expose all that was wrong about you and this relationship, and this time not to let me hurt as bad as I had hurt about you two months prior. I told the Lord that once he exposed the truth, to set up barriers that would keep me from running back to you, and you back to me. After prayer, I sat at my desk and wrote you a 5 page letter. The letter asked simple questions like: “What do you want from me?” “What are we doing?” “Why are you here?” Had you read the letter, you would have also gotten the truth as to why I was honestly holding on to you when I knew you weren’t doing right.
The truth is, although I genuinely loved you,
I was more attached to you because of a sexual soul tie we created 13 years ago,
because you were my comfort zone, being with you kept me from having to start over, and kept me from being vulnerable to someone new. Being with you kept me safe, in a sense. I told myself, “At least he knows me. My flaws and alllll…my secrets.” I wanted you to love me so bad that I settled for you abusing me. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally.
I listened when you told me how bad I’d hurt you by not having your back while you were in prison. I listened to you pour your heart out. I cried, I felt bad, and I began to feel like I had to do my best to make it up to you. But what I thought was you being sincere, was just another way you manipulated me; making me feel like I was the bad guy. But here’s a question for you, do you remember me being there the 22 times you were in and out of jail, and the first time you went to prison? Or do you recall, two days after our daughter was born you said these exact words to me,
Bitch I’m the one out here taking these penitentiary chances. Bitch if I go to jail, that’s my time. I’m the one who has to do it?
Remember that? Sure you do. You said it standing behind your mom. So you did every day by yourself. I didn’t owe you one day, not after you said all that. But in a sense I waited for you, I still loved you. I wasn’t looking for anyone. It took me 3 1/2 years to really let someone get close to me during your 4 year sentence. Nope it didn’t work, but I believed dude cared about me, but because you had already damaged me, I made it hard for him to get through to me. I sabotaged the possibilities of a healthy relationship with him, because of my feelings for you. You told me that that man was my enemy, and it was from there, my relationship with him began to crumble. Not knowing that you would end up being my enemy; that you were my enemy.
I caught the bad end of the stick, when the first female left you during your first prison term. I should have known better. Knowing that when a woman loves a man, a good man, she will stick by him through the storm. She ran away from you the first chance she got. I thought that was low down of her, but I understood her reasoning after my experience with you. Months after your were released the first time, you started treated me like crap, especially when I got pregnant. Those who knew what you were doing in the streets didn’t think anything was wrong with you being a “nigga”, but when I thought I had found love during your incarceration they told you I wasn’t shit. If only they knew how bad you treated me before you got locked up. It’s funny how things play themselves out. It was okay when you where doing everything under the sun to me, but your friends believed I owed you my life, my loyalty.
My dad told me I was doing it all backwards. Backwards? Yes. He said,
Portia, why are you dating criminals and you have a degree in Criminal Justice.
Everyone tried to warn me that you were not what God had planned for me, from my mama to the psychic I visited. But I wouldn’t listen. Nothing they said matter. No one could tell me anything wrong about you, I was in love with you, the man I knew you could be; your potential. Learning later that being in love with potential will always cause regrets. I loved your dirty draws man. Really I did!!!
I’ve been loving you since I was 21, and 13 years later, despite what has happened in between, I still loved you like I had from the first day I met you. But your heart was tainted and full of hatred towards me because “I wasn’t there”, but yet and still you came back not once, not twice, but three times, and I let you in. First you blamed us not working on me not being there for you in prison, then it was because of my temper (which came on because of your actions), then it was because of child support. Child support? Really? They were all excuses. You made it all my fault, and just because I wanted you to love me, I accepted all that crap.
I now accept my responsibility in this mess, you didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t allow.
You didn’t come back because of love, although you said you did, you didn’t come back because of your daughter, although you said you did, you came back because you needed help, and since you were sure I loved you and I was just as needy as you, what a perfect place to be. It is true that we attract what we are….
I was bothered when I found out that there was another woman’s name on your car. Remember begging me to come downstairs to talk to you that night. But nothing you said made sense to me. I was numb. You’re excuse was, “Baby I needed a car. I had to do what I had to do, plus you said you weren’t going to do it for me.” I knew then that I should have walked away, because no woman in her right mind would sign their name on a car for a man unless he had promised her something. Now she was invested in you and the BMW that was parked at my place every night, but you kept saying, “She’s just a friend. She knows we are not together.” Come again brother? How dumb did you think I was? Oh, really dumb, because I was. You see, she was willing to do things for you that I wasn’t, like buying clothes, taking your online classes, coming to my house picking you up, accepting the fact that you were sleeping with her and me. She was willing to be your crutch. Her intentions are good, because she too needs you. I know because I remember the morning you mistakenly butt dialed me, hearing her crying and reminding you of all the things you had promised her. But you told me, “P I just wanted to do the right thing, so I told her I was moving to the A to be with you and my kid. I was wrong for selling her a dream I admit, but I was feeling bad after spending that time with y’all and had to do the right thing.” Another red flag that I ignored, all because I loved you and wanted to be loved by you.
Mr. Wrong, we got along good until I started asking you serious questions about the relationship. As long as I was quiet, humble, and pretended to be stupid, my name was “BAE“. You remember when we talked the night you felt like confessing about the car? Remember me telling you, I always believed that no matter what we went through, we’d always be together? Remember that? I’m sure you do. Well, I did. It wasn’t until this female thought she was saying something cute by telling me she came to my house to pick you up while I was in the Bahamas, that’s when I realized it was over and could never be again. I could never trust you again. To me that was the lowest of the low, because who is to say, she wasn’t in my home. I mean she was low enough to come to my house, you were low enough to call her, I wouldn’t put it pass either of you.
Then Christmas morning, you said you were going home to be with your mom. You were so upset because I didn’t buy you a gift to unwrap, but you didn’t buy me a little card to open. You were in your feelings, like a kid. But when I called her, after getting her number from my phone bill, because you were so disrespectful you called her from my phone,
Yes I know exactly where you live, I came to your house to pick him up when you were in the Bahamas, and for Christmas I picked him up and he stayed with me all weekend.
(As if she was praising herself for the drive back and forth to Albany, and stooping low enough to pick a negro up from another woman’s house. She deserves a trophy!!).
But Christmas weekend I got text messages from you Friday and Saturday between 12-3a saying “I Love You.”, guess you were laying in her bed feeling guilty. Yeah, she did catch me off guard, but she didn’t hurt me. See when you know the behavior of a person, you are rarely surprised by their actions.
Do me a favor, please tell Ms. Dea, I’m not mad at her, my problem is with you, and she should pay attention to the man that she wants so bad. Bad enough to drive 4 hours to MY place for.
I wish I had paid attention, when you were slipping off with me in our 20’s , but in a relationship for 5 years with someone else. The only excuse I have for then is, “I was young and dumb and thought I was doing something!” But Karma knows no age, and what goes around comes around. You may not care or even realize it, but you’ve lost more than you will ever gain. “What profits a man to gain the whole wide world and lose his soul.” (Mathew 16:26).
Most women don’t want to admit they allowed the foolishness that goes on in their relationships, but I will admit it. I allowed this foolishness. I played myself down. I settled like dust. AGAIN, you did only to me what you knew you could, what you knew I’d allow. I let you play on me every time you said, “You weren’t there for me for 4 years?” I let you use me, foolishly believing you had plans for us in the future. I like most women don’t want to fail in any relationship, don’t want to see the man we love with someone else. I admit to all of that. But I’m glad that GOD stepped in and ended what I couldn’t.
I stood in the mirror and asked myself if I was crying over you or over what I had allowed, and I was honestly crying over what I had allowed. Knowing I deserved better. I use to tell you that all the time. You didn’t love me, and you can’t love her, because you were jumping from me to her whenever it was convenient, and you still aren’t telling her the WHOLE truth,if only she knew. You said you changed for me by stop selling drugs, but you changed for yourself because you didn’t like prison. I held on because I believed that a man should be in his child’s life, especially his daughter, but even when you were here, you didn’t bond with her, saying she ignored you, talking about you felt like she was being tainted with ideas of you, when really you ignored her and didn’t realize that children are more observant than adults. But she’s 4. She really didn’t get a fair chance to know you, you wouldn’t allow that. You were too busy planning your next great move and hurting her mom in the process. She saw what you were and what you weren’t. GOD gave you a daughter for a reason, your first and only child.
Mr. Wrong you were everything I didn’t want, but all that I honestly loved. Did loving you make me a fool? Nah. Putting up with your mess did.
I compare myself to the drug addict. I want to be clean and be free from what binds them, but the addiction is so powerful. Only the strong break free though, only the determined. And I’m stronger now and more determined than ever to kick this habit.
If by chance you should ever read this letter, I wish you well. I use to say “I wish you well and I hate you” in the same sentence, but not this time. I will always love you and I wish you well. I had to learn that this relationship wasn’t about you, it was about me. I don’t blame you for my foolishness. Your assignment was to teach, and you taught me a valuable lesson:
That a broken man will break everything in his path until he is healed, and broken woman will accept anything from anyone she thinks can heal her, especially from the person who broke her in the first place. It’s hard, but I let go of the teacher and keep the lesson.
With you I faced my biggest obstacle. I really believed you and thought that we would always be together no matter what, but the “what” came, and I was forced to face reality, to walk away…… You meant me no good from the start. I accept my reason and season in your life, and I thank you for the my child; she is the best part of you and the best part of me, she is the balance. You taught me well, and I will forever love you….
We’ve all had a Mr. Wrong in our lives, if you could tell your Mr. Wrong
something about what you learned from him, what would you say?