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Interview: Mistresses Speak Out

Best Of SSM / Dating & Relationships / October 5, 2015

Through out history, the mistress has been the villain that everyone hated.  She has always been seen as the home wrecker with no morals or respect for marriage or relationships.  That seemed to have changed a bit when Kerry Washington hit the scene as Olivia Pope in the hit tv show, Scandal.  Week after week, fans took to social media to root on the mistress of the President of the United States and being the other woman didn’t seem to be so bad…at least on tv.

Mistresses Speak Out

Although Scandal is written for television, there have been many mistresses of presidents and many mistresses of men…period, however, most mistresses don’t speak out and tell their story and so I went in search of women who had been or were currently mistresses and this is what they had to say.

Have you ever been the “other person?”

Towanda:  “Yes. I’ve been the other woman more than once!”

Hannah:  “I am the other woman.”

Jessica: “Yes, I have.”

What made you decide to have a relationship with someone who you knew was either married or in a relationship already?”

Towanda:  Love…always love!  Some were married and some were dating other people. Generally I believe monogamy is an unnatural socially imposed condition. Two the promise of fidelity is between the man and the person he made it to. I don’t believe it has anything to do with me. All that matters is the connection between the two people in my book. And I definitely believe you can love more than one person at once. I know I have.”

Hannah:  “No I didn’t know this before we got together I didn’t find out until it was too late my heart was already in too deep. He told me months into our relationship after it was too late he gave me the option to leave I couldn’t[by then] my heart was already in too deep.” 

Jessica:  He was always smiling and flirtatious.  Plus, he didn’t wear a ring.  

At orientation is where I met him.  In my office, it was rare to see any men of color let alone of a power position.

As we began working on projects, I got comfortable so I asked was he married.  He told me that he was; although, he just didn’t seem to “act” like he was married.

As time went on, he began to offer things to me.  His first offer was to get me some ice cream from a local fast food spot.  I told him what I wanted not thinking he would get it.  Lo and behold, he comes and brings me some ice cream.  That seemed to open up more doors.  Next thing I knew, he offered to take me to get ice cream another time.  So, I went with him.  He continued being flirtatious and of course, bought me the ice cream.  The next thing I knew, he offered to get my nails done.   From there, we began speaking outside of work.”

Jessica, How did things escalate?

Jessica:  One night, he wanted to come over so I let him and that’s when our sexual relationship began.  I didn’t think of it as being wrong at the time because I was lonely and still dating.  It began to grow into more because he would always want to go to lunch with me or come over.  I started to see the downside of the relationship because even though I knew I didn’t want to be with him, I realized I was putting myself at risk for pregnancy, his wife finding out, etc.

Because the person that you are with (or have been with in the past) are married, what are holidays like for you? Is he available?

Towanda:  “I always spend them with my family and I’ve only had one relationship where I would bring that person to a family event. So that has never been an issue.”

Hannah:  “Yes, he is available on holidays.”

Jessica:  “He wasn’t available.   Even though I didn’t see him as my “man,” I still wanted attention on those days and I remember vividly how he wasn’t available on New Year’s Eve or Valentine’s Day.  It hurt, but it was the reality.”

Mistresses Speak Out

Hannah, since the man you are with is married and has a family; How long have you been with him? Does his wife know about you? 

Hannah:  “We have been together 2 yrs. Yes,  she does [know about me] some what and hey do live in the same house together but he has filed for divorce.”

Do you feel “bad” about breaking up a home or relationship? What are your thoughts about cheating?

Towanda:  “I don’t think cheating means that someone doesn’t love you. It can but it can also mean that person is attracted to or has feelings for someone else as well. Which I believe in natural. As for breaking someone’s home, no. Only the people in the home can break it. If you decided to leave someone because they cheated that is your decision. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, then that is what it is. That they cheated is just an aside.”

“As a general rule, I prefer to only date single men. However, that is not a moral issue for me. For me it’s about the demands and realities of our society and such relationships are doomed to be temporary. If we had polygamy in this country, I could totally live with that.”

Hannah:  “It’s not easy being the other woman and it’s not right I’ll admit it’s frustrating at times but he is wonderful to me and my children like he is their father he does everything for us he even helps with my bills. Believe me I do a lot of praying and asking for forgiveness but when you fall in love with someone so deeply loving them from your soul it’s hard to just give up and walk away.”

Towanda, do you want to be married? Would you care if your husband slept with other women? Would you be fine with an open marriage?

Towanda:  “I’m an atheist so marriage means nothing to me outside of the legal and financial benefits. When my ex and I lived together we were essentially having the same life as if we were married. That could have gone on forever and I would have been just as happy. I would not want an open marriage. I think it does not fit within the culture of American life and would only create headaches. If my husband slept with someone else, I would simply try to figure out why. If there a disconnect with us or does he simply have feelings for someone else. I would try to take it case by case. I don’t believe that any rules work for all so it depends.”

Hannah, what are your expectations for the future?

Hannah: “Right now I’m just taking thing’s day by day and enjoying what we have I do hope that we move in together in the future.”

Jessica, how did things end between the two of you?  What did you learn and what advice would you give a woman in the same situation?

Jessica:  “I slowly began to be turned off by the situation.  I knew it wasn’t the godly thing to do.  Plus, I was ready for my own love.  I slowly began to tell him we couldn’t go to lunch, he couldn’t come over, etc.  The horrible thing was that he used to cry and argue the situation.  Eventually, he got the picture and thankfully for me, I got a new job and moved on.  It was a year of my life that I’m not proud of, BUT I grew stronger to God, I gained the love of a great man and I learned a lot.”

“I learned that no matter how lonely you are, it’s better to be lonely than to do the wrong thing.  I would never subject myself to lowering my own standards and settling again.  I would suggest to any woman who has thought of it to not do it.  It seems appetizing, but trust me…  You end up sacrificing your self-worth and even prolonging the meeting of the man God has for you.  Plus, you are preventing God’s blessings.  Sin doesn’t equate blessings.  Only obedience does.

Towanda, have the tables ever been turned?  Were you ever cheated on? 

Towanda:  ” As far as I know no one has ever cheated on me. For me what’s important is respect! Even if our relationship is causal and you are with someone else I don’t expect to have it in my face. I wouldn’t do that to anyone else either.”

So what do YOU think?

What are your feelings about what the women had to say?

Do you agree with anything that they had to say?

What advice, if any, would you give them?


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Ty Knighten
Ty Knighten knows a thing or two about relationships and dating. A single mom from Calif., Ty decided to turn her experiences in love and relationships into a blog. Written with plenty of sass, her mission is to help women empower themselves to realize love, success and confidence through her articles. She writes about dating and relationships from the perspective of a single mom but adds insights that will help women and men as they maneuver through the confusing world of dating and relationships. You can reach her on Twitter @UHeardMeRight, on Facebook at The Sexy Single Mommy or connect with her on Google+ and Instagram at chocoty.

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on July 24, 2013

To me a sidepiece is like an accomplice to a crime. If you go and rob a store and shoot the owner and the other person just “drives the car”, you still both get sent up for the robbery.” Sidepieces are no different. Here is what I wish for every sidepiece, I wish the same misery they help visit upon people in relationships and marriages.

People blame so much on love, but we are still responsible for our actions. I just really have no respect for sidepieces.

    on July 24, 2013

    Well said, Shawn! Well said!

    on July 24, 2013

    Perfectly stated!

on July 24, 2013

Interesting article. I think it is important to recognize that at least one of these women were manipulated into being in a relationship with a man who was already taken. While, I would never wish harm on someone else, I do believe in karma. So if one knows they are doing something which causes pain to someone else, one should expect to receive that same pain back.

    on July 24, 2013

    I totally agree, Ebony and tomorrow post is on Karma.

on July 26, 2013

I began reading with an open mind and then my gavel began to bang because one of these women rubbed me entirely the wrong way. Simply because she chose to disclose her spiritual belief and this is a morality issue and morals are governed by culture. I’m just blown away by a person’s ability to not see the errors of their actions. The heartbreak in her future is going to feel real, she doesn’t need to believe in a doctrine to feel emotions.

    on July 29, 2013

    LOL at the gavel! Yes, their stories are very…interesting to say the least. Karma is a bitch…man oh man…

on March 10, 2014

Very interesting post. So fascinating to see the other side.

I have always said that anyone who knowingly gets involved with a married person has blood on their hands. Sure, connection and chemistry are tantalizing and don’t always come in convenient packages. But if the connection is that strong, you should be able to step aside and let the person sort out his or her marriage issues first.

Comment on sidepieces, above: Exactly.

    on March 12, 2014

    Yes, it was VERY interesting to hear what these ladies had to say and listen to their beliefs on their situations.
    I do agree that they need to let these men figure out their situations but honestly, I think that once men really did that, there would be few mistresses.

on April 3, 2014

Jessica knew she had to make efforts to break what shouldn’t be in the first place. Not so for the other girls who felt it was the man and his wife that should pull out if they wanted.

Frank interview and thought provoking.

    on April 3, 2014

    Yes, I believe that Jessica knew what she had to do. It’s a trip how people can try to validates their BS, like the other women.
    Frank…I guess you can that there is a lesson learned in everything.
    Thanks for reading

on June 18, 2014

Love the honesty here.

on October 5, 2015

I like the honesty too and agree with some of the point. I have been the “other women” all for me has been for sex. No love or emotional connection.

    on October 5, 2015

    Hi LoverUnknown. The honesty was very interesting and I think that they all give a different perspective on their situationships.

on October 5, 2015

Wow…what an interesting post! To each her own, I think each one of them has their own reasons to be or not be in the relationship. Judging them without not stepping into their shoes is just not right.

    on October 5, 2015

    Vinodini, this is true. They give a totally different view on the situation

on January 13, 2017

Very interesting topic. I suppose everyone has to live their own life and do what they think is best.

    on January 15, 2017

    Agreed. I gained a lot of insight from these interviews.

on January 13, 2017

Some women do it for the benefits, some do it because of “love”. Either way it’s wrong to get involved with someone when you know they are married or are in a relationship. I like the one who decided to stop and move and acknowledging she did wrong.

    on January 15, 2017

    I totally agree with you and I most def believe in Karma.

on January 13, 2017

I like that you had people with totally different beliefs and experiences answer the same questions. I am married now, and I couldn’t imagine having another woman having an active role in trying to derail my family. But people have their reasons for what they do, and no one person is 100% at fault in these situations.

on January 14, 2017

This isn’t one of the most interesting posts I’ve read in a while. While I won’t judge any of the ladies, I believe all parties involved are responsible for their actions. Period. I don’t see how anyone can be okay with being the other woman.

on January 15, 2017

All I can say is WOW! I can not imagine being ok sharing a man. Whether you believe in God or not, and I do, some things just cant be justified. No part of me will ever feel anything for a woman who is willing to be with another woman’s man, willingly.

on January 15, 2017

I’ve never been a side piece, that won’t ever be my cup of tea. I believe that if you put yourself in the middle of married folks then you are indeed part of the problem. Saying that is between them it what helps them sleep at night. The fact is you had a hand in it.

on January 15, 2017

Very Interesting!! I like they they come from very diverse backgrounds!

on January 15, 2017

From their descriptions, I see how it can happen. It’s a touchy subject.

on January 16, 2017

WOW! 1st I commend their honesty. 2nd, I thank you for sharing this with us. As married woman, I never had respect for women who slept with married men. I stopped being friends with someone who only did this. I think it is easy to justify your behavior: look at slave owners.

on January 16, 2017

It’s interesting that you were able to have 3 different women with 3 very different perspectives. I would be interested to hear this from a man’s point of view as well.

on January 16, 2017

This is definitely a hot topic. It’s funny how society gives these sexy terms to soften the blow of wrong behavior as mistress is easier to swallow than home wrecker. Cheating is cheating and nothing good will ever come of it regardless of who initiated the adultery because what goes around comes around.

Let's Talk! I want to know what you think?

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