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The New Disappearing Act…Ghosting

Dating & Relationships / January 13, 2015

After dating for about 9 months, the last day that I spent with the “celebrity bodyguard” was a typical one for us.  We spent the day having sex, going to see a movie and having lunch at a restaurant and hanging out around the house.  Our conversation consisted of the latest happenings while on tour with Bruno Mars and his leaving for the weekend to work with Bruno at a celebrity fundraiser given by Muhammad Ali among other things.  Nothing was out of the ordinary…well, the sex was a little rough and that was different but other than that, it was a typical day for us.  TMI…I know!

I do recall asking, “Are we good?”  And he respond, “Yeah.”  Looking back, I guess we were everything but good because that was the last day I ever heard from him. After nine months of dating and nine years of friendship, I had been “ghosted.”

“Ghosting” is (sometimes known as the “slow fade”) refers to the act where one dater ends a relationship by simply disappearing. The ghost does not give an explanation of any sort, leaving the ghosted wondering where he or she went wrong.

Who knew there was actually a term for such a thing but I will keep it real, I was left wondering WTF happened?  At first, I wondered if something happened to him, if he and Bruno had met the same fate as Aaliyah but as I watched the news and googled Bruno Mars for the upteeneth time, I realized that had they been in a plane crash or car accident, it would have been breaking news.

The New Disappearing Act...Ghosting

 

After worrying about someone who I thought, cared about me and who in a million years would have never dreamed that he would become a ghost, I realized exactly what had happened and that’s when worry turned to anger.  I won’t get into the particulars of what that anger manifested into (you can read about it here), but that anger turned to hurt and disappointment in someone who took the punk way out when they had all the opportunities in the world to be upfront and honest about what they were feeling, especially when I asked the question, “Are we good?”

However, as I reflect on the situation, I realize that karma is a MF because if I am to be totally honest. I have “ghosted” a few men in my lifetime.  I have been that coward who instead of saying, “I don’t want to do this anymore,” or “I’m just not that into you,” I disappeared.  I didn’t answer phone calls, texts or return a page (yes, I’m dating myself).  I was that same punk that the celebrity bodyguard was on many occasions and like him, I just didn’t have the balls to tell it like it was and took the cowards way out.

Although ghosting is not something new, it is something that seems to be easier to do in the day and age of online dating.  You start a conversation with someone and decide to exchange numbers and begin to talk offline.  I know I have been in the situation that someone seemed cool online and I distinctly remember one man who when he called me, I thought it was one of my 11 year-old son’s friends.  This man sounded like his voice never grew up and I was immediately turned off.  I hung up on him and sent his calls to voicemail.  I know…superficial, huh?  Call it what you like, but I can’t date a man who sounds like my son!

Some may say that when you meet someone online, it’s a lot different than actually meeting someone in “real life,” thus, ghosting isn’t wrong because you never really knew the person anyone, especially if you have never meet in person.  “Even after one or two dates they are still just a profile to you, not a person. I don’t feel the normal empathy I would for someone I met organically,” said a good friend of mine.

Logan Levkoff, sexologist and expert on “Married At First Sight,” explained that online dating takes the humanity out of the process, which could make users more prone to being ghosted. “[Because] all it takes is a swipe,” she said. “The quantity [of how many people experience ghosting] is more because it’s so easy to do and it requires very little human engagement in order to do it.”

I can somewhat understand that concept with online dating but does it make it right?  Probably not but I guess, the rationale behind it is that you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.  With online dating, it is a bit different because unless you have met offline and really spent time with one another and I’m not talking about a date or two. you really aren’t vested in that person.  In the situation with my ex, being ghosted was very different because I had in fact, vested time and feelings into the relationship, so that was a bit harder to understand and accept such a disappearing act.

The New Disappearing Act...Ghosting

What it all boils down to is this. although ghosting is not something new, it seems to be something that is prevalent and let’s keep it 100, very disrespectful.  While actions speak louder than words and many of us should know how to take a hint; if you call or text and he doesn’t respond…EVER, he’s simply not into you being. Being ghosted or being the ghost is not cool.  There is a level respect that everyone is owed and being man or woman enough to just tells it like it is is far better than being a ghost and to leave the other party wondering, what the hell happened.

Have you ever been “ghosted” or a “ghost?”

Tell us about your experience and the lesson you learned from it. 

 

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Photo Credits:  african-sweetheart.com,


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Ty Knighten
Ty Knighten knows a thing or two about relationships and dating. A single mom from Calif., Ty decided to turn her experiences in love and relationships into a blog. Written with plenty of sass, her mission is to help women empower themselves to realize love, success and confidence through her articles. She writes about dating and relationships from the perspective of a single mom but adds insights that will help women and men as they maneuver through the confusing world of dating and relationships. You can reach her on Twitter @UHeardMeRight, on Facebook at The Sexy Single Mommy or connect with her on Google+ and Instagram at chocoty.




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30 Comments

on January 13, 2015

I’ve been both that’s for sure and as I read this I feel ashamed of what I did in the past. I even went ‘ghosting’ on guys I dated before but didn’t lead anywhere so well we stop seeing each other after a date but their number is still on my phone. I blocked them out.

    on January 15, 2015

    Maureen, we both have been guilty of this and after it was done to me, I have to say that I realized what a coward I was. Lesson learned…

on January 14, 2015

I’ve been on both sides before, too. However, I was very young when I was the person disappearing. I actually had one fool “friend” me on Facebook like nothing had happened! Ghosting is immature and weak. Thanks for this timely piece.

    on January 15, 2015

    Thanks Sophia. Yes, it is very immature

on January 18, 2015

I’ve been on both ends. Not proud of myself, especially after feeling the hurt when it happened to me. Ghosting is definitely the easy way out.

    on January 19, 2015

    Yes, it is and like you, I have done it to…SMDH! At least we know better now, right?

on January 20, 2015

Lived most of my life as a ghost. But without a commitment am I really ghosting?

    on January 20, 2015

    R, I don’t think that by not committing, you are being a ghost unless you disappear when the pressure is on to commit?

on October 31, 2015

I have ghosted, but can’t remember ever being ghosted. I grew up in a large city but had a large network even at 21. There’sno way i wouldn’t see that person again .. Awkward!!! But in reality no one likes to be ignored.

    on November 1, 2015

    This is true. No one like to be ignored and ghosting is selfish and a punk way out.

on October 31, 2015

Never happened to me but I would at least like an explanation a letter or an email. I don’t have to speak to you again but at least let me know you are alive say boo or something.

    on November 1, 2015

    Exactly, Kita and that’s the problem. You have no idea what’s going on.

on November 1, 2015

That stinks that you had to go through that. You’re right, it has certainly been around for a long time. I think that some people just don’t know how to say good-bye the tight way.

on November 1, 2015

I’ve certainly heard of this before. I’ve not personally had that experience but my girlfriends have certainly told me similar stories. That is crazy.

on November 1, 2015

I’m pretty sure I’ve been on both ends before. But thank God I’ve been with my husband too long to remember any of the details, and clearly those relationships weren’t important.

on November 1, 2015

Yes and Yes. Usually I have experienced more of the “slow fade” variety where I know they are about to disappear. Not after 9 months though. That is terrible.

on November 1, 2015

I’ve been both. I’ve just learned that honestly is the best policy, and when you get ghosted, THAT is the closure you seek. No need to keep wondering or semi-stalking the person. Actions speak louder than words.

on November 1, 2015

OOhh I’m totally guilty of this. Been on both sides of this before. Been married now for a few years so I can honestly say I do not recall much of my own experiences paying that role ghosting.

on November 2, 2015

I think we all have been on both ends of this from time to time..I have been with my now wife for almost 20 years, so for me it has been more about “friends” and ghosting.

    on November 2, 2015

    Hey Jay, I can see that happening after you are married. It’s still a pretty crappy situation though.
    Thanks for reading!!

on November 2, 2015

I’ve been there before! When people walk out your life; you’re probably better off without them. That’s the lesson I learned.

    on November 2, 2015

    That is so true, Shauntee!! So true!

on November 2, 2015

Wow! I’ve never been on either side of the fence but I can imagine how it would feel. I think being honest about how you will, instead of just disappearing is the mature thing to do.

    on November 2, 2015

    Exactly, all you have to do is be honest. SMH! If only people can be adults.

    on November 4, 2015

    Exactly, Vashit! We’re all adults. Just say that you don’t want to be in a relationship anymore.

on November 3, 2015

I’m totally guilty of both. Now I have a name for it.

on November 3, 2015

This is so disrespectful, especially when you have been dating 9 months. Wow. It just seems so immature and unnecessary.

    on November 4, 2015

    Tyra, the worse part is that I had known him for years. All he had to do is say, BYE! LOL! Oh well!!

on November 3, 2015

I haven’t dated as much as people think I should, but I think I’d be disappointed if I was “ghosted” by someone I really liked. It’ll suck if he came out of nowhere with the “hey” months later… -_-

    on November 4, 2015

    Joanna, yes, it sucks, big time! If he came back and tried to act like nothing happened…it would be a man down situation!



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