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So What You Saying?
After dating for about 9 months, the last day that I spent with the “celebrity bodyguard” was a typical one for us. We spent the day having sex, going to see a movie and having lunch at a restaurant and hanging out around the house. Our conversation consisted of the latest happenings while on tour with Bruno Mars and his leaving for the weekend to work with Bruno at a celebrity fundraiser given by Muhammad Ali among other things. Nothing was out of the ordinary…well, the sex was a little rough and that was different but other than that, it was a typical day for us. TMI…I know!
I do recall asking, “Are we good?” And he respond, “Yeah.” Looking back, I guess we were everything but good because that was the last day I ever heard from him. After nine months of dating and nine years of friendship, I had been “ghosted.”
“Ghosting” is (sometimes known as the “slow fade”) refers to the act where one dater ends a relationship by simply disappearing. The ghost does not give an explanation of any sort, leaving the ghosted wondering where he or she went wrong.
Who knew there was actually a term for such a thing but I will keep it real, I was left wondering WTF happened? At first, I wondered if something happened to him, if he and Bruno had met the same fate as Aaliyah but as I watched the news and googled Bruno Mars for the upteeneth time, I realized that had they been in a plane crash or car accident, it would have been breaking news.
After worrying about someone who I thought, cared about me and who in a million years would have never dreamed that he would become a ghost, I realized exactly what had happened and that’s when worry turned to anger. I won’t get into the particulars of what that anger manifested into (you can read about it here), but that anger turned to hurt and disappointment in someone who took the punk way out when they had all the opportunities in the world to be upfront and honest about what they were feeling, especially when I asked the question, “Are we good?”
However, as I reflect on the situation, I realize that karma is a MF because if I am to be totally honest. I have “ghosted” a few men in my lifetime. I have been that coward who instead of saying, “I don’t want to do this anymore,” or “I’m just not that into you,” I disappeared. I didn’t answer phone calls, texts or return a page (yes, I’m dating myself). I was that same punk that the celebrity bodyguard was on many occasions and like him, I just didn’t have the balls to tell it like it was and took the cowards way out.
Although ghosting is not something new, it is something that seems to be easier to do in the day and age of online dating. You start a conversation with someone and decide to exchange numbers and begin to talk offline. I know I have been in the situation that someone seemed cool online and I distinctly remember one man who when he called me, I thought it was one of my 11 year-old son’s friends. This man sounded like his voice never grew up and I was immediately turned off. I hung up on him and sent his calls to voicemail. I know…superficial, huh? Call it what you like, but I can’t date a man who sounds like my son!
Some may say that when you meet someone online, it’s a lot different than actually meeting someone in “real life,” thus, ghosting isn’t wrong because you never really knew the person anyone, especially if you have never meet in person. “Even after one or two dates they are still just a profile to you, not a person. I don’t feel the normal empathy I would for someone I met organically,” said a good friend of mine.
Logan Levkoff, sexologist and expert on “Married At First Sight,” explained that online dating takes the humanity out of the process, which could make users more prone to being ghosted. “[Because] all it takes is a swipe,” she said. “The quantity [of how many people experience ghosting] is more because it’s so easy to do and it requires very little human engagement in order to do it.”
I can somewhat understand that concept with online dating but does it make it right? Probably not but I guess, the rationale behind it is that you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. With online dating, it is a bit different because unless you have met offline and really spent time with one another and I’m not talking about a date or two. you really aren’t vested in that person. In the situation with my ex, being ghosted was very different because I had in fact, vested time and feelings into the relationship, so that was a bit harder to understand and accept such a disappearing act.
What it all boils down to is this. although ghosting is not something new, it seems to be something that is prevalent and let’s keep it 100, very disrespectful. While actions speak louder than words and many of us should know how to take a hint; if you call or text and he doesn’t respond…EVER, he’s simply not into you being. Being ghosted or being the ghost is not cool. There is a level respect that everyone is owed and being man or woman enough to just tells it like it is is far better than being a ghost and to leave the other party wondering, what the hell happened.
Photo Credits: african-sweetheart.com,