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The 6 Guys That You Don’t Want To Meet Online

Dating & Relationships / January 6, 2015

Dating is hard. Online dating is even harder. But it’s an increasingly common and less socially-weird-than-it-used-to-be way of meeting potential mates. I’ve done my fair share of it. I’ve tried OKCupid, eHarmony, and Match to name but a few of the cyber romantic walkways I have stumbled down. I haven’t found love yet (call me, Michael Keaton). And while I might every so often shut down every single account and vow never to do it again, I always come back for more.

Because the odds are a whole lot more likely that I’ll meet a dude online than I will in real life. I work with mostly ladies, and while they are awesome, I am not attracted to ladies. When work is through, I go to the gym or usually I go home. So unless I plan on the potential disaster of hitting on someone at the gym or on the subway (where I feel like I’d just immediately be arrested for harassment), I’ve got to keep an open mind where online dating is concerned.

It’s not always easy. In fact, it’s far more likely that I’ll decide to start taking classes or going to science lectures in the hopes of awkwardly meeting someone with whom I’d like to bump uglies, try that for a while, and when it doesn’t work, then I reactivate all my old accounts. Nothing changes when it comes to dating. There are basically 6 types of guys you come across. It can be bleak, but I do it anyway. Because while I’m a cynic, I’m also a romantic. He’s out there, I just, in the immortal words of Michael Buble, haven’t met him yet.

1. The Two-Letter Lover


“hi” That’s all he has to say. No caps, no punctuation, maybe an emoticon if you’re lucky. He’s into you enough to spend less than two seconds composing a message. He’s into you enough to trick you into doing the heavy lifting. In other words, he’s not into you at all. Dudes of the world, you’re better off not messaging us at all if ‘hi’ is all you have to say.

2. Captain Overshare

He seemed cute in his profile. His answers were quippy and on point; his photos were adorable. You guys like all the same bands! You should be psyched when you see his message in your inbox. And you are! Until you open it and see that it’s just an unsolicited photo of his junk. Don’t call us, penis. We’ll call you.

3. Mr. Wuthering Heights

wuthering heights

Things are going great with this guy! You might even have made it as far as going out on a couple of dates. But something isn’t right. He talks about his ex … kind of a lot. And not, like, in a normal way. One glass of wine and suddenly he’s crying and sobbing her name. You guys are having a great night, until he begins screaming for his ex at the restaurant. He’s a real romantic, a rare breed indeed, but he’s obsessed with his ex.

4. The Insta-Boyfriend

creep dude

You go on one date with this guy, and in his eyes, you’re married. He’s ready to get hitched, to settle down, to start with the baby-making. So much so that he doesn’t care who joins him in this endeavor — so long as she’s got reproductive organs and seems vaguely nice.

5. Colonel Not-So-Serious

why so serious?

He’s got a smoking body; he’s funny and smart. He’s the perfect catch. Except for one thing: He has no intention of ever seeing you again. He’s a lot of fun, and who doesn’t love fun? You. Try talking to him about ‘where this is going’ and you’ll get his lecture — he thinks you’re great but he’s not looking for anything serious, whatever his profile might say.

6. … Hello?

new girl

I am convinced there is a void where all dudes who you exchange one, positive message with before they disappear forever are currently sitting waiting to be rescued. Sure, stuff happens, but where do these mystery dudes go?



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SSM Staff

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on January 6, 2015

Hahaha this was hilarious! I have to say that I agree, online dating has changed! I met my husband back in 2003 on and we’ve been married for 8 years. I have a girlfriend who has tried a few different sites and the stories she shares with me are similar to your post. Good read! #BLMGirl

    on January 6, 2015

    I always love hearing about people who met their spouse online but like you said, things have certainly changed. It is certainly a different time!

on January 7, 2015

I’ve been married since I was 19 so I’ve never experienced online dating HOWEVER one of my closest friends married a guy and they found each other on FB and she ALWAYS talks about how things have changed. #BLMGirls

    on January 15, 2015

    Adrienne, it is a MESS!!! I can’t do it anymore!

on January 8, 2015

Tried online dating a couple of times and came away of it very disappoint. Yes, disappoint. All I kept encountering were The Two-Letter Lover and Captain Overshare. And don’t get me started on when I thought Tinder was a legit online dating site only to find out (a little too ‘can we cuddle?’ late) that it was a hook-up site.

Look. I’m so tired.

    on January 15, 2015

    VIVI!!!! LMAO about Tinder!!! OMG!!!

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