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And that was the introduction title to my blovel (blog + novel) series called TheReporterandTheGirlMINUSTheSuperman! I was sitting in front of my computer typing what I thought would be a letter to Jon,** about how everything was going so well…and it seemed meant to be….he didn’t feel the same way as I did…while IM-ing my heartbreak woes to a complete stranger in the Middle East.
HHhhmmm…..seems like I had the propensity to unleash to the cyber masses, long before I started blogging.
Jon and I met online, and in real life things got very,very hot, very quickly; I soon realized that it was difficult for me to keep my cold objective perspective when things were melting at 6,000°F around me. I read all the relationship advice articles and books, I know about the “rule of 3”, “90 days rule”, “first kiss rule”, Protect-Profess-…and something else….
But baby…when you fall head over heels those rules go out the window, and the only place you’ll end up is the bottom of the rabbit hole burning from the inside out, with your rational thought, intellect, and brains oozing out from the side (falling in love ain’t pretty). In fact, you’ll be lucky if you come out of it with just a broken neck.
So instead of going over the rules, what I can share is based on what I learned, especially after writing my experiences and having others open up to me. I have a few key points about having a mutually healthy and beneficial relationship that’s built on something stronger than molten lava.
Love is already in you and around you – family, friends, peers…and most importantly you. There’s no missing piece, no missing yang to your yin. You are already complete. Finding someone to “complete” you is going to leave you feeling more empty and disappointed. Not to mention that’s a pretty tall order to put on someone’s shoulders. Knowing what you are worth, will get you someone you deserve; as oppose to making you cling on to someone not worth your time.
Dedication and Work. I know we’ve heard that before, but what does it really mean? Well, no more being selfish I say– or we say. Meaning making time to spend quality time together, (you playing video games on the couch while she takes a nap does not count as quality time) putting that other person somewhere on the top of that priority list…every day. And you should be on theirs, that’s why its team work; if only one person is making the effort to make things happen, then you’re better off as single person putting all that energy into making you fabulous! The other person will have to stop mooching off of you and find his/her way.
If after all is said and done, and you come to a point where things are dead. Then you have to let go. Now, as I’m learning, this is a very difficult process, which women tend to spend more time preparing for but ultimately we grieve better and do much better in the long run. I once heard a relationship coach say,
Be around people who add value to your life.
We all have goals in our careers, education, and social status; thus, we all want to associate with the right people who will bring us there and support us. This holds especially true for the ones in our intimate relationships. Why is s/he in your life? What are they doing that is positive for you?
Because if s/he is not adding value, then they may be taking it away, thus this relationship is not helping you (or him/her) and letting go could help you see a clearer and brighter future for yourself (because now you can think for “I” instead of “we”). Maybe a new partner down the line or perhaps an exciting and fulfilling path as a single whole person; it’s your choice and it’s always has been.
Jon didn’t just happen to me. We sought each other out and came together. We performed at the highest level that our insecurities, inexperience, craziness would let us (this is pretty high compared to a lot of people!).
But in the end, these are the few important things that I learned about myself, and how to better function as a pair. I hope you learned something too, and whatever your next bold choice whether to start or stop a relationship; just know that you are brave for it! I hope you visit me at my new blog site and share some of your stories!