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Love And Lust…There Is A Difference

Dating & Relationships / October 8, 2014

You meet him 2 weeks ago and you decided to sleep with him.  You’ve told all your girlfriends what a nice guy he is, how you’ve waited for someone like him, how cute he is and then you dropped the bomb on them…”I’m in LOVE!”

GIRL, IF YOU DON’T KNOCK IT OFF!!  You just met the man, gave him the cookie and now you’re in love after a night of good sex?

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but that, my dear, is good old fashion LUST, NOT LOVE!!  How could you be in love with a man who you barely know?

The Definition of Lust

1. Very strong sexual desire  2.  Personal inclination  3.  An intense longing  4.  Enthusiasm, Eagerness.

The Definition of Love is

  1. A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person 2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. 3. unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another 4. Attraction based on sexual desire.”  Now this is where it gets a bit confusing because BOTH definitions include “sexual desire.”

According to Judith Orloff, M.D. who is an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and the author of Emotional Freedom,

Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy

–it often dissipates when the “real person” surfaces. It’s the stage of wearing rose-colored glasses when he or she “can do no wrong.” Being in love doesn’t exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other.”  With that being said, if you just met a man 2 weeks ago, you don’t KNOW him well enough to be “in love.”  In 2 weeks you are still getting to know one another and within those two weeks you BOTH are trying to decide if you want to be with one another long-term, IF you are both looking for a relationship.  Now this is where women make the mistake of equating sex with love.  They have given themselves to a man and now their emotions have kicked in.  After sex, she is now connecting herself to him emotionally and she feels because she has given him her cookie, this man is now hers and she “loves him.”  At that very moment, she has set herself up for failure!

Just because you have sex with a man does not mean that there is love involved.  If you give up the cookie fairly quickly after meeting a man, I can guarantee you that having sex with him does not mean that you will be or have fallen in love with him.  It is JUST SEX…accept it for what it is.  Because women don’t know the difference, they begin to act a fool after they sleep with a man, especially because 1. they never had a conversation about what each party was looking for, i.e., serious or casual relationship.  2.  they believe that after having sex with a man that they are in love and 3. they don’t know the difference between love and lust.  Here is a list from Judith Orloff, M.D. to help you distinguish between the two.

You Gave Him The Cookie & Now You're In Love?  KNOCK IT OFF, GIRL!



You’re totally focused on a person’s looks and body.

You’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations.

You’d rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.

You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.

You are lovers, but not friends.

You Gave Him The Cookie & Now You're In Love?  KNOCK IT OFF, GIRL!


You want to spend quality time together other than sex.

You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.

You want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings, make each other happy.

He or she motivates you to be a better person.

You want to get to meet his or her family and friends

Some women will argue the fact that even though they are in lust, they still have a desire to meet his family and friends, spend quality time with him and talk to him all the time.  Men on the other hand, who are in lust totally feel all of the things that Dr. Orloff stated as signs of lust.  They have no desire to meet your friends and family, spend quality time with you UNLESS they have to in order for the end result to be sex, or spend hours talking to you.  Below is a chart to help those who are still confused on how to compare the two.

Comparison chart

Love Lust
Definition: A decision to commit oneself to another and to work through conflicts instead of giving up. A deeper understanding or care. Any intense desire or craving for self gratification including sex.
Associated with: Decision to devote yourself to another person for better or worse. Physical chemistry.
Sub-Categories: Intimacy, commitment, security, may be scary at first, must accept the feeling. Sexual desire.
Symptoms: Faithfulness, confidence. Willingness to make sacrifices for another. Working at settling differences. Able to compromise so that either both win or at least give the other person’s opinion a chance. The desire and belief that everything is yours. No thought put into the other persons feeling or cares.
Person to Person: Commitment to another. Selfish concerns dominate.
Result: Security, peace, a solid partnership which can provide the ideal atmosphere to raise confident secure children; a more stable society; radical decrease in the need for welfare, jails, lawyers and mental health counselors. The hunger for lust grows & can cause damage if not healed or handled properly.
Interdependency: Partnership. Not connected with love; not always sexual, can be for money too.

The point that I am trying to drive home is that having sex with someone doesn’t mean that you are in love.  The above chart does an excellent job of REALLY laying out the differences.  Some people believe in “love at first sight” but again, the question rises, can you “love” someone without really knowing them?  Are you REALLY willing to commitment to someone after a short period of time and sacrifice for that person as well?

Life Coach Tony Gaskins, Jr. spells it out for you, “Making love, contrary to popular belief has nothing to do with lust. Making love is bonding as friends through quality time and quality conversation. Having sex on the other hand is really fulfilling lust, not making love. Once a relationship matures to the point where love is the foundation than sex would be considered an expression of love.

When you find real love you will realize that sex becomes a plus, not a priority. But when in lust, sex is the priority and love would be a plus and that is when relationships fail.” 

So what happens when the man who you were so “in love” with decides a month later, that he doesn’t want to do “this” anymore and quickly makes an exit stage left?  Are you left feeling like you lost love or are you feeling like you were played?  Many women who don’t know the difference between love and lust will feel like they lost love, but in reality according to Tony Gaskins,

You didn’t lose love, you lost lust and “like.  There’s a difference.

I hope this helped you to know the difference!

the sexy single mommy

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Ty Knighten
Ty Knighten knows a thing or two about relationships and dating. A single mom from Calif., Ty decided to turn her experiences in love and relationships into a blog. Written with plenty of sass, her mission is to help women empower themselves to realize love, success and confidence through her articles. She writes about dating and relationships from the perspective of a single mom but adds insights that will help women and men as they maneuver through the confusing world of dating and relationships. You can reach her on Twitter @UHeardMeRight, on Facebook at The Sexy Single Mommy or connect with her on Google+ and Instagram at chocoty.

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on December 3, 2012

Good post. I think I definitely learned the difference – in fact the relationship I was in where I was truly “in love” was nearly 9 years ago. An even more interesting question though…can you be in love with someone for whom you feel no lust? No sexual desire or compatibility? No physical attraction? I’ve always said maybe, but I don’t think you (or maybe I should just say I) can’t have a successful marriage without both. My two cents! lol

    on December 3, 2012

    I think that you can be in love with someone who you are not attracted to physically. I don’t think that you can have a healthy relationship without both but what about coupe who have been married for years and years and now up in age and sex is the last thing on their minds?

on December 4, 2012

I have to totally agree with you on this post. It is quite irritating for me to hear people say they are in love after 1-2 weeks of knowing someone. I think that people are totally misusing that term. While I think people can get intense feelings for a person quickly and want to meet family and friends and spend every waking minute with them, it still doesn’t mean you are truly in love. I think true love has some level of trust and forgiveness that doesn’t come with a quick 2 week affair. If it did, most of these fast lovin’ couples would still be together today. I think people should really take the time to get to know someone before they decide to give their love to them. Great blog!

    on December 4, 2012

    Thanks so much Miss A and thanks for stopping by.

on December 19, 2012

I’ve lost a lot of lust/like in my day… I’m so glad I did to. It helped me learn to MOVE ON!

on October 2, 2013

[…] You Gave Him The Cookie & Now You’re In Love? KNOCK IT OFF, GIRL! […]

on October 8, 2014

Very nice, I love your writing style. Keep up the good work! I am very impressed.

    on October 8, 2014

    Hey Chuck. Thank you and don’t be a stranger!

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