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I was driving home tonight and thinking about the men in my past and what they have either taught me or what I learned from the experience…thus, the title, Ghosts of Boyfriends Past. I am going to run through a few of the lessons that I learned and hopefully they will keep you from making the same mistakes.
This was a lesson I learned from Bernard. My mouth could be confused with a sword because when I was upset, the things that I would say could cut down the toughest man. I learned the hard way that I need to think before I speak and choose my word wisely. During a fight, I said somethings that should have been left unsaid, which resulted in me losing a really good guy. Once you say something, you can not take it back.
When I was with Dewayne, there were several lessons that I learned and I will touch on them shortly but I guess what I learned first and foremost is that when you settle for just “hanging out” when you really want something more, you are wasting time. Time is something that once it’s gone, you can never get back again. Don’t allow your time to be wasted!
This again refers back to Dewayne and the decision I made to just “kick it.” We “kicked it” for a year and even though I wanted more, he didn’t and I knew that from the jump. Although he would “act” like my man and do the things that a “couple” would do, he didn’t want the “title.” When you settle for situations like this, things can get a bit complicated because feelings get involved. Lesson learned, don’t settle for a temporary situation when you want a permanent one.
You would have thought that I learned my lesson Ken and Ronald…NOPE. SMDH! Dewayne got added to that mix and like the rest, I think that men who are separated or going through a divorce are “emotionally unavailable,” thus the commitment level will never be there. Take it from me, don’t even entertain a man in these situations…leave his ass where he is!
Ken had 1 kid when I meet him, then that one turned to 2 and down the road it turned out that he had 4. Besides the fact that he lied about his kids…who in the hell does that…he took care of them. However, call me a bit selfish but a man who has that many kids has to pay a lot of child support, thus cutting into what I get. No ma’am!!
I’m not going to name any names on this one but ladies, you are on the computer anyway, type his name in and see what comes up. Now, don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to be a private investigator but you should do some fact checking. I did this once to someone I was dating and learned that he was married and a whole lot of other things that I can’t really put out there but I did also discover that his ass was a dot.com pimp! Trust me, by googling his ass, you may just save yourself some time and sorrow!
Most men are too dumb to hide their flaws and will usually show you who they are upfront. Silly us, as women, ignore all the signs that he really is no good for us and we ignore and turn a blind eye to all his bullshit. If you catch him in a lie once, twice…three times…I think it’s a safe bet that he is a liar! BELIEVE HIM and leave his ass alone. If he lies, he cheats and if he can do both of those then you really don’t need him. Give him his walking papers!
Contrary to popular belief, men are not mind readers. If you want them to do something, you have to tell them. If he isn’t doing what you want or need him to do, you need to say it. The thing is ladies, you have to communicate with your man and I had to learn how to do this. I would drop hints and say stuff like, “I need to pay this bill or that bill, instead of saying, “I need help with this or that” and then get mad because he didn’t pick up on the hints. You have to open up your mouth and tell them what you want!
This goes back to if he shows you who he is, believe him. I used to think that I could change the way a man felt about a situation by sweet talking or being the “perfect” chick…that didn’t work! If he is not the man who you want him to be and he has characteristics that ordinarily, you wouldn’t deal with…don’t start dealing with it now, thinking you can change him. He has already been raised and what he didn’t learn from his parents, chances are he is not willing to learn them from you. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some men who are willing to make some changes in order to be with you and/or to make you happy but those are rare. Don’t try to find a “project” because ain’t nobody got time for that! Ladies, if you want a “project,” take your butts to Home Depot!
Sex is great but it is a temporary feeling. If things are bad in your relationship, sex will only take your mind off of it for a short while. When the sex is good…I mean, Bomb.com, ladies, we can lose our damn minds and all common sense can be thrown out the window. Don’t be dickmatized!! Trust me, I have been a victim and Ken…LAWD!!! Just because a man can put it down and make the flood gates open…sorry, I digress. The point is, don’t fall for it! When you become a victim of dickmatization, it is a bad situation and one that I would strongly warn you against. If your man has done wrong and comes to you with all that touchy feely stuff and wants to take you down…DON’T FALL FOR IT! It’s just a ploy to take your mind off of the reason that you were pissed off in the first place. Don’t be stupid and in the middle of the afterglow, decide that it wasn’t that big of a deal anyway…you have just fallen for game. DON’T FALL FOR IT, LADIES! BE STRONG!
I have preached about this on several occasions and some of you ladies, STILL are introducing your kids to every man who you meet. STOP! Here’s the deal, your kids don’t need to know about nor do they need to meet every man who you go out with. While dating Dewayne, my son met him and saw him at varies gatherings but he NEVER saw him chilling at our house nor did he wake up and Dewayne was there. I never did the, “you can spend the night but have to leave before my kid wakes up” thing. If and when you are serious with someone and know that you are going to be in a committed relationship, then and only then, should you bring your child into the relationship. If you are a single mother, it is only natural that you want companionship BUT every person that you date will not be THE ONE, so why have your child meet several people? It will only confuse them in the long run and you are teaching them a behavior that you should totally avoid and that is that it is okay to have several men in and out of your home.
This is a lesson that women should have learned early on but here you are in your 30’s and 40’s, still believing that just because you had sex with a man, you are in love. Let me start by saying that you shouldn’t just be out there having random sex with men and you should be having sex (if you’re going to do it) with someone with whom you don’t have feelings for. However, sometimes we don’t wait for love or some women think that because they give a man the Cookie that they are in love. Girl, that is the quickest way to get your feelings hurt because now you “expect” for him to feel the same way and men aren’t falling in love with women just because they had sex with you. While women are emotional creatures and many times we get caught up in our feelings, you have to learn how to differentiate sex and lust.
In my 20’s, I was very much a player and messed up a good thing with Charles that loved every fiber of me but I screwed things up because I thought that the grass was greener on the other side. Many times, we start looking at the next man who may have all things that your man doesn’t and think, “Man, maybe I should get with that” and once you do, you realize that you had it better at home and should have stayed where you were. My mom always said, “Find a man who loves you more than you love him,” and had I listened to that advice, Charles and I may have been married today.
I left a good man because I thought that the grass was going to be greener on the other side and I thought that man who was “ballin” was going to give me everything that my ex…the one who loved him some Ty, couldn’t. Boy, was I wrong. Being superficial has gotten me caught up more than once and dealing with a man who has it going on, usually means that a lot of bullshit comes from dealing with a man like that, including other women and unlawful activity. I fell for “Fool’s Gold” more than once and trust me when I say that it is more than a notion.
Last but not least and this is THE most important lesson of them all. Ladies, you have to learn how to be by yourself so that you get to know WHO you are. You can not be anything to anyone else if you are not comfortable being alone with YOU. Take some time in between relationships, to reflect on what happened, what went wrong and what you would do differently. Don’t jump from relationship to relationship without taking time in between and then point the finger at your ex for everything that went wrong. Maybe what is wrong is YOU. Once you know what you want and what you will and won’t accept in a man and a relationship, the better off you will be.
I hope my ghosts of boyfriends past will help you in your own relationships. As I have said before, I am not a professional relationship expert (although I was named #37 of Top 100 Blogs by Relationship Experts) but I know a thing about men and relationships and I hope that through my mistakes, you can experience success in your relationships.
What lessons have you learned from your exes?
If you could give advice to your younger self about relationships, what advice would you give?
Disclaimer: Name have been changed to protect the innocent or not so innocent
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