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The REAL Reasons Why You’re Not In A Relationship And Still Single

Best Of SSM / Dating & Relationships / Single Moms Talk / July 29, 2014

Single ladies, we may not have ever uttered the words aloud but we have asked ourselves the question time and time again: “Why can’t I find (or keep) a man?” Many of us have come up with the answer: “Because all the good men are taken.”

Is that REALLY our excuse?

If we were being honest with ourselves and took a moment to evaluate our past relationships, many times it was US and not him that caused the relationship to end, or at least we played some part in it. As hard as it is to evaluate ourselves, it becomes necessary when trying to figure out why we can’t keep a man. If we don’t, we are doomed to continue making the same mistakes in our relationships over and over again. It may not be one single thing we are doing wrong. It may just be the type of personality characteristics we have that determine the type of women we are in a relationship. I have listed the most common characteristics that women portray when they are in relationships and how their personalities are damaging those relationships and resulting in them being single.  

The People Pleaser Woman

You want to make everyone around you happy, especially the men in your life.  You bend over backwards to help him, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness.  You are a pushover and a doormat.  Men do and say what they want to you, without any repercussions. Women who are people pleasers are usually abused by men because they lack self-esteem.  They have a fear of being abandoned and they are easily disappointed by criticism.  They cater to the men in their lives and often put his needs above their own.  They have a fear of a man leaving them if they don’t do the things that they ask them to.

The REAL Reason Why You're Not In A Relationship And Still Single  

The Insecure Woman

This type of woman has low self-esteem and doesn’t think that she is worthy of a good man, thus she makes poor choices in the men that she deals with.  She often settles for whatever she can get, which often times is a man who is no good for her.  She needs to be validated and constantly told that she is beautiful because she doesn’t think that she is.  She is very jealous and because of this jealousy, she is very suspicious of her mate and men in general.  Often times, she jumps to conclusions based on that jealousy.  These types of women are attention seekers and are often times the girls that you see in the club, twerking in front of men to get attention.  Usually, by seeking out attention, they attract the wrong types of men, who are only interested in one thing.  

The Cow Woman

Before you start sending me comments for calling a woman a cow…I am referring to the saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?  Now, let me continue…This is the woman who allows men to get ALL the milk for free.  They play the role of a wife; doing everything that a wife would do without the benefits and title.  This type of woman can either live with her man or have her own place.  She does his laundry, cooks for him, cleans up after him, takes care of his kids, shops for him and of course, she is having sex with him whenever he wants it.  These types of women have in their minds that if they do all these for a man, they are showing him what she can do as a wife.  Unfortunately, she rarely gets wife’d up.  

The Got My Stuff Together Woman

This is the woman who on the “outside” has it all together.  Let her tell you, “I don’t need a man for anything.” because she has a good job, her own house and a nice car.  She is paying all her bills and holds it down by herself.  She often attracts the man who is below her level and needs a woman with all the things that she has because he has little to none of them.  She may end up being with a man who allows her to wear the pants in the relationship, however, it probably won’t work for long because she will feel like he has no backbone and either she will leave first or he will. The REAL Reason Why You're Not In A Relationship And Still Single  

The Alpha Dominate Woman

She is very aggressive and runs the show.  They are used to controlling everything, including the men that they are with.  She is competitive, persistent, determined and goes after what she wants…including men.  She has a hard time finding a man and will tell people when asked, that she hasn’t found a man “worthy” of her.  When in a relationship, she makes the decisions and rarely listens to the men that she dates because she “knows it all” and their opinions don’t matter to her anyway.  She often scares men away because she is so critical and instead of trying to work with her mate, she is too busy issuing him commands.  The alpha dominate woman often times finds herself alone or divorced because she wants to be the “man” in the relationship. This woman can also be the “Got My Stuff Together” woman, as well.  

The Multiple Personality Woman

This is the woman who goes from hot to cold in a matter of minutes.  One minute she is so in love with you and the next, she barely likes you.  She wants to have sex and moments into the act, she doesn’t want you to touch her anymore.  Men don’t know how to deal with, much less how to respond to this type of woman.  She is happy in one moment and the next; she is cussing him out and shoving him out the door.  A man does not want to deal with this type of woman and even a man who is a loser will walk away.  

I “Can’t Trust Any Man” Woman

She has been burned so many times by men that she has lost count.  She wants to find love but finds it hard to believe anything that men say.  She is more often than not, also the insecure woman.  This is the type of woman who checks his phone when he is sleep, goes on his Facebook page to see if any one particular woman is responding too many times to his posts.  She has driven by his house to see if he is “really” at home and popped up when he is out with his friends.  The problem with this woman is that she damages every relationship that she is in because she has trust issues.  She will have to let down her guard and realize that every man is not trying to hurt her and that all men are not up to no good.  

The Needy Woman

You know her, she needs a man for EVERYTHING.  This woman is usually overly emotional and has to be with her man 24/7.  When he is not with her, she calls and texts excessively.  She has to know where he is, what he’s doing and who he’s with.  This woman usually lacks confidence and often compares herself to other women.  She will go through relationships quickly because most men will not deal with her…at least, not long-term. The REAL Reason Why You're Not In A Relationship And Still Single  

The “Gotta Help Him” Woman

This is the woman who takes in the stray dogs…I mean, men.  She thinks she can help men get on their feet.  These women are attracted to losers but will claim that he has potential.  They move him in, clean him up, buy him clothes and give him money.  They treat men like “projects,” and take great pleasure in helping them out and getting them together.  These women take great pleasure in a man “needing” them.  They show him off to their friends but little do they know, most men after they are “helped out” take all of the things that you gave them in an effort to “get him on his feet,” and run off with his “now together self” to the next woman. Ladies, if any or several of these characteristics describe you, as many are interchangeable, I would advise you to reevaluate yourself in relationships and really dig in to figure out why you are this way.  Maybe you can find a good therapist to work through your issues.  Regardless of what you decided to do, the first step is identifying that you have an issue and before you begin to point fingers at the men that you have dealt with, use this list to identify your personality and decide to make a change…today!

 Do you agree with this list?

What can a woman do to keep from making the same mistakes in relationships?

 the sexy single mommy

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Ty Knighten
Ty Knighten knows a thing or two about relationships and dating. A single mom from Calif., Ty decided to turn her experiences in love and relationships into a blog. Written with plenty of sass, her mission is to help women empower themselves to realize love, success and confidence through her articles. She writes about dating and relationships from the perspective of a single mom but adds insights that will help women and men as they maneuver through the confusing world of dating and relationships. You can reach her on Twitter @UHeardMeRight, on Facebook at The Sexy Single Mommy or connect with her on Google+ and Instagram at chocoty.

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on July 10, 2013

I am definitely a pleaser. Nothing wrong with it but it shouldnt be done for every man that come waltzing in your life.

    on July 10, 2013

    Hey Candace. No, there is nothing wrong with it, as long as you don’t try to “please” every man!

    on August 1, 2015

    I’m The Cow Woman Forsure

on July 10, 2013

This is a great article!! It can even help women who are in a relationship as well. I am a people pleaser which gets me taken advantage of a lot and affects my marriage.

    on July 10, 2013

    Thanks so much, Katherine. I really hope that this article can help women. All of us can relate to being one of these women at some time or other in our lives.

on July 10, 2013

Great post! Lost of good points! 🙂

    on July 10, 2013

    Thanks so much, Asia. I am glad that you liked it.

on July 10, 2013

Really wonderful article. I think the hardest thing for most people is looking at a relationships and admiting that we may have played a part in the way things turned out. It is so much easier to play the victim and blame the other person. Now this is not to say that there are not instances where it is someone else’s fault, but if we dont learn and grow, many times we will find ourselves making the same mistake. Sometimes the real reason we are unhappy is the man or woman in the mirror.

    on July 10, 2013

    That is true, Shawn and I am happy that you liked the article. I agree that many times, we don’t think that “we” are the problem and many times we are. I hope this article helps women realize who they REALLY are make some changes.

on July 10, 2013

The recurring theme of this post is ‘insecure, low self esteem’ women. I must ask, what can a young lady DO to seriously improve her view of herself?
No one tells men that they have low self esteem- why is that?
Also, many times the scales are imbalanced in these relationships. Women are constantly being told to ‘improve this, improve that’ but NO ONE’S telling the men to self reflect.

Could this be the reason some women are still single? Despite all the things they do right, if the relationship ends, she’s the one picking up the pieces and going through circles trying to figure out ‘why am I single again.’

    on July 10, 2013

    Thanks for taking the time to respond, Sista Voyage. There are men who are have low self esteem and I am not sure if they have been told that or not. I agree that the scales are sometimes imbalanced in “those” relationships, and if I was writing a post about men who are single, the things that you mentioned would be great to include. However, we also have to realize that there are times when “we” are the problem, and until we realize that we have issues, we will be doomed to keep making the same mistakes. I do invite you to be a contributor and write up something based on what you wrote here today. Let me know if you are interested.

      on July 15, 2013

      Thanks for replying!!!

      And oh, I am so interested in being a contributor. I tweeted you about my interest a while ago and I have a topic in mind, just trying to make sure it will come across the right way 🙂

        on July 16, 2013

        I sent you an email Sista Voyage with all the info you need about becoming a contributor. I can’t wait to see what you come up with!

    on July 11, 2013

    Sista Voyage,

    You are so correct. Men certainly have self esteem issues as well. The difference is that many times there self esteem issues are exhibited by needing their worth valued by going from one woman to the next. Or they will say things like, “Women only want dogs. They dont want a good guy.” Not realizing that there are plenty of women out there that want a good man, but they have just not been working hard enough to find the good ones.

      on July 15, 2013

      Hiya Shawn *waves*

      Makes a bunch of sense. Unfortunately, not too many recognize these behaviors you’ve pointed out in men with low self esteem as that- low self esteem.

      Example: A man makes the ‘women only want dogs’ comment in the midst of other women. What’s typically the response from those women?
      ‘Awww, that’s not true. You just haven’t found the right woman yet. What happened in your last relationships that caused you to think this way? I am sorry that you were hurt…’ Women end up being a temporary, albeit sincere, psychologist no matter what’s going on around them, lol!

      I know because I used to be that woman asking those questions!!! I’ve also witnessed other women respond similarly. It went right over my head that the core of what I was dealing with was low self esteem.

on August 21, 2013

[…] The REAL Reason Why You’re Still Single […]

on September 3, 2014

I am the pleaser,can’t trust them, needy, and different personalities

    on September 3, 2014

    How does that work for you?

on December 26, 2014

Great article. I hate to admit that I’ve been the “gotta help him” woman far too many times. I was always falling in love wih a mans potential (daddy issues). But, I’ve moved away from that now and I’m kind of the alpha dominant women that doesn’t take anything from anyone, I don’t need a man and I don’t want to compromise. -_- I’m a work in progress

    on January 15, 2015

    Thanks, Ebony but if I can give a word of advice…don’t be that “I don’t need a man” woman, You will end up all alone

on March 5, 2015

I don’t think we are realy pleasers. I assist him to be a kind of man that I need or to reach a level of my inner man 🙂

on August 5, 2015

I saw this on a friend of mines page….and this made me think of the woman I’ve been with for the pass year. And she falls under two of the types of women. The got her stuff together and the alpha dominate woman. Now I’m not a deadbeat or some bum she just picked up off the street, I’m just not where she is in certain circumstances. I take care of what I have to and do whats needed in our relationship. But here recently she been making it seem like I’m just useless. She makes more than me but I still do my part, she feels as if I’m holding her back. I guess my question is how or what do I do to keep my lady. I love her but her type of thinking just ended our relationship. Is it best to leave her alone or should I fight for her??

    on August 5, 2015

    Hey Mike, I think that you really need to have a heart to heart with her and put it all on the table. Explain how you feel about her and that you are 100% dedicated to make your relationship work. T
    The only problem is that as an Alpha Woman (I am one), it is very hard for us to get out of our own way. We are used to being in control of everything around us and to us, when a man doesn’t make as much as us or doesn’t do the things that we “think” he is supposed to do as a man we sabotage our relationships and miss out on some really good men. (Trust me, I have done this on more than one occasion).
    If I were you and if you really want it to work, fight for her and at the end of the day if it doesn’t work out then you did what you could.
    Good luck and keep me posted

      on August 5, 2015

      And that’s sound exactly like whats going on now. And I’ve had so many heart to hearts with her that it feel like I’m talking in circles. I’ve poured heart and all I do is fight for her. I’m doing what I gotta do to prove myself but I still get the cold shoulder. How long before I just say f it and walk away. But at the same time this woman has meant the world to me. We’re so different but we a great fit for each other. It’s just getting to a point where I just wanna break down. All I keep hearing is leave her alone let her go. Do whats best for you. But in my heart (next to my kids of course) she is whats best for me.

        on August 5, 2015

        Here’s the thing, it sounds like you have done all that you could. Sometimes it takes taking a break for someone to see what you really mean to them. You can’t make her see things your way and if she just isn’t happy or feels like she’s not getting what she wants, then maybe it’s time for you to move on.

on August 5, 2015

You’re right. This hurt like a bi+ch but you right. Thank you

    on August 9, 2015

    I’m sorry, Mike. The right one is out there for you, just take your time.

on October 18, 2015

Well for many of us good men out there that are still single is because with so much more women today that are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, and very greedy, really speaks for itself.

    on October 18, 2015

    I totally agree with you!

on September 16, 2016

I’m a lot of these 🙁 I’m doomed and might as well give up.

    on September 16, 2016

    Don’t feel that way. There is someone out there for everyone.

on February 12, 2017

I’m came across this article, because I’m baffled as well. I have alot of great qualities and honestly, I don’t fit any of those descriptions. I’ve been married 10 years and divorced. My last relationship was great, but he was still in love with his ex-wife. He admitted this 16 months into the relationship and expressed he wanted to pursue her again (did not work out in his favor, btw). Now, that I’m back dating again, it’s hard to keep me interest, because they literally want us to chase them (not all). I also believe when I mention my career, having my own practice and I travel and vacation often, it’s like they are not intimidated, but feel they “can’t keep up.” I don’t know, but it’s frustrating. I know there is someone out there, but the men I meet and really want to get to know, does not work in my favor.

on February 15, 2017

That’s a great article. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing things for a man as long as he reciprocates. If you’re the only one doing, that’s where the problem lies. On the other hand besides all the great points you made there, I think a lot of women are single because they are way too picky. They might have a good man right in front of them but because he doesn’t have everything on their list, they chose to ignore him. I’m not saying not to have standards, but to stop being annoyingly picky.

on February 15, 2017

Hmm, if I had to choose I’d say I’m the “Got My Stuff Together” woman. I’ll admit that I can take too much pride in my independence because I don’t ask for help. That can frustrate some men.

on February 16, 2017

And then you have that woman that God is hiding, nothing’s wrong with her. He is just preparing her future. That is were I am and I have learned to not try and figure it out because it will cause me to be focused on the wrong things. I KNOW God is preparing me for marriage so I choose to follow His leading and not try and analyze why I’m single but embrace this time that I have now. I have tried to figure it out in the past and that lead me nowhere and I was still single afterwards, hahahaha! I just don’t have the energy or desire to try and figure it out!

on February 17, 2017

I’m not single, but I definitely see some of my single friends on this list.

on February 19, 2017

This post is so true of all the descriptions you gave. I hope I don’t find myself falling into any of that category described. Very interesting read.

on February 19, 2017

good post. I believe that I’ve been on this list. But like they say time heals and and matures you was a person.

on March 7, 2017

I love this post a brutal truth for some! Leaving many in deep thought…

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