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Online Dating Talk With Paula, Part 1: The Number One Error

Dating & Relationships / April 23, 2014

If I sit down and do some math, I deduce that I’ve been involved in some form of online dating for over 3 years.  I’ve had several ‘hook-ups’ and three relationships with men I really loved (currently dating the third).  Of those three relationships, two made it past 6 months. One past 8 months, happily.  While those odds don’t make me a relationship expert, they do reflect that my goals in online dating (sometimes to get laid, sometimes to find love) have always been met!

Today we’re going to talk about the number one area people go wrong in when looking for love, like, or whichever in-between, online: expectations.  You get into online dating and expect to get dates or messages shortly after you sign-up.  I’m here to advise that you have patience with the system.

There is an intricate (scientific, even) flow and ebb of finding a match online. I can’t tell you how soon or long it will take you to find someone you even feel okay seeing face to face, just know it’s different for everyone.  Similar to offline, online, men usually make the first move – either that website’s version of the Facebook poke, so a woman notices him or sending a message.  He’s “poked” or messaged you because he thinks you’re attractive, initially, and, often as aside, because he thinks your profile is cool/funny/interesting…whichever adjective.

Online Dating Talk With Paula, Part 1: The Number One Error

Whether you admit it or not, you’ve done what you believe to be the bulk of the handiwork: signed up, picked a creative yet befitting screen name, chosen and posted some of your best pics, and filled in a well-thought out profile.  You might have browsed the site, checked out what some of the guys looked like, what they do for a living, their Zodiac signs, and how old they are. Then you sat back and waited for a “poke” or a message.  Maybe you “poked” a few of the guys you saw before logging off.

The first guy – make that first few guys – that tried to get your attention, you hoped would be someone you could carry on a conversation with.  Instead, you look at the profiles of these guys, read their “hello” messages, and…you’re not impressed.  Worse – you’re not even moved to respond.  After awhile, you get discouraged.

‘Is it me,’ you wonder going back over your posted photos. You edit your profile to include who should not even bother messaging you. Or, you make it more sultry. Or warmer and more inviting. Or funnier and more entertaining. Whatever you think will attract the kind of men you’re out to converse with.  The system is karmic, scientific, spiritual, and most of all, a machine that you have to let hum and move.

Keep looking at the men who are trying to get your attention. Go ahead and “poke” or message some, if you think you’re bad.Just…don’t stress.  It might not move as quickly as you want but it will move just exactly as it should.

Tell us about your experience dating online.

What were some of your expectations that were, later, unmet?

Photo Credits: Essence.com, Newone.com


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Paula Montgomery
Paula Montgomery is the head blogger/creator of Deserve More, the lifestyle musings of a 20-something old head, mama, veteran online dater, and writer.




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