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Choosy Lovers Choose Condoms … Every Time

Sex / Women Empowerment / March 20, 2014

My advice column recently received a letter from a self-described “overweight, Black woman in her late 30s”.  She admitted being aware of the dangers of unprotected sex, but kept finding herself in situations where her male partners were reluctant to use condoms.  Because of her age and size, she believed her dating options to be severely limited and so she felt pressured to oblige these men, worried they might be her only chance for love and intimacy.  In other words, she felt that “beggars can’t be choosy”.

I’ll admit that my first reaction to this was shock.  It’s the 21st century, AIDS is over 30 years old and we’re still talking to grown folks about using condoms?

Choosy Lovers Choose Condoms … Every Time

According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), in the United States, African Americans are the demographic most affected by HIV.  And in 2010, among African American women, most new cases of HIV (87%) resulted from heterosexual contact!  Why any Black woman in this day and age would have unprotected sex is beyond me.

That was my first reaction.  Then, I really thought about where this sister was coming from.  Being a plus-sized gal myself, I understand the struggle.  It’s real in these dating streets, especially for a single mom like me.  We live in a world where a size 2 has a better chance of getting a date on a Friday night than a size 22.  Most men are visual creatures, and no matter how great your personality is, they want a certain “type”.  So I get it.  I feel my sister’s pain.

Still, I would rather spend the rest of my Friday nights alone than spend even 10 seconds in the arms of an idiot who is too dumb to protect himself, and too disrespectful to protect me!  I am far too precious to be bothered!  The average female orgasm only lasts between 10 and 30 seconds.  That short-lived burst of pleasure is not worth my life.  Besides, as long as I have enough batteries, I can have as many orgasms as I want, without risking disease!

However, the crux of this sister’s problem is the fact that she thinks so little of herself that she’d actually risk her life for a few moments of intimacy.  She truly believes that because of her size, she doesn’t deserve the same respect and consideration as someone thinner.  And this makes me incredibly sad.

I reminded her that there are lots of men out there who prefer a woman with “meat on her bones”.  And I’m not just talking about those “chubby chaser” guys who only get off on fat girls.  Not that I’m hating on the “chubby chasers”, though.  After all, there’s someone out there for everyone, and I am not one to judge!

I’m talking about real men who find curves comforting and a soft compliment to their male hardness.  I’m talking about men who love to grab ahold of every wiggly, jiggly inch of a woman and take her for the ride of her life!  Yes, Big Girls, these guys are out there.  You may just have to look a little harder to find them.

Choosy Lovers Choose Condoms … Every Time

But my most important message to her and all my Big Girls is this: no one will love you unless you love yourself.  Yes, there are some “Shallow Hal’s” out there who will reject you at first glance.  But most people are attracted to confidence.  Wearing confidence and self-love is better than putting on make-up, wearing designer clothes, having a new hairstyle … it’s even better than Spanx!   Heck, I can’t think of too many things better than Spanx for a Big Girl.  When you go out there fully armored with self-love and confidence, you’ll attract the guy you’re supposed to have.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t always try to improve ourselves.  We know what we need to do to lose weight.  We know we need to move more and eat less.  We’re well aware that we must make healthier lifestyle choices.  The healthier we are, the better we feel.  And the better we feel, the more confidence we have.  Confident, healthy women are beautiful women, plain and simple.

So, keep working on yourself.  Do what you need to do to feel better about yourself.  But don’t let a weight-loss goal or a dress size determine your self-esteem.  Remember, we’re all works in progress.

In the meantime, embrace your curves, Big Girls!  Think of yourself as Full-Bodied like a fine wine, rather than just plain old full-figured!  And if you value yourself as the beautiful work of art you are, then it will be easy for you to walk away from those fools who don’t think enough about themselves or you to use protection.

You have every right to be choosy about who has access to all of your fabulous-ness.  Big Girls aren’t “beggars”.  We’re full-bodied temples deserving of love and protection, just like anyone else.

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Janice Fuller-Roberts
Janice Fuller-Roberts is a freelance writer, novelist and blogger living in the metropolitan Detroit area. She has a popular advice column called “Ask Janice” at SuzyKnew a site dedicated to the sexual health and pleasure for women of color, with an emphasis on women from the African diaspora. Janice’s thought-provoking essays on subjects such as domestic violence, depression, mental health awareness, and race have also been featured in The Sexy Single Mommy, For Harriet, emPower Magazine, DAME Magazine, Salon, and Corset. She also writes under a pseudonym with a growing legion of fans.

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on March 27, 2014

Can a Sista’ get an amen! Well said. Choosing to love yourself helps you make better – albeit sometimes very difficult – decisions when it comes to men and to love and relationships.

on March 31, 2014

Well said Sista! When I read the beginning I was saying to myself the same thing–this day and age, there are so many diseases out there. But then I looked at it from her perspective, and yeah, the world can be cruel to big girls. It all starts with self love, and I know what that feels like, being big, it’s hard to have self confidence, but we have to learn how to walk in our own skins at some point in our lives. We have to start loving us before we can demand anyone else to love or respect us. I hope that she finds self love, and learn to tell these fools no, they are not worth getting sick over.

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