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Must I divulge the most ratchet thing I’ve ever done and it is the thing entitled cheating. I have cheated in the past and have no remorse for stepping outside of the relationship and deem it justifiable due to selfish feelings. This is a soul baring post and in spite of the positive messages I choose to share, I AM AN IMPERFECT HUMAN BEING.
After breaking up with a man whom I shared over a decade of my life with, I became so ruthless in the romance department and numb to infidelity I engaged in the activity of cheating like it was normal. The inconsideration of my mate’s feelings didn’t occur to me because my hurt was more important. I felt justified for stepping outside of a relationship because he wasn’t making me happy. Why not end the relationship? After trying to end a couple of relationships before cheating occurred, my partner would attempt to “make it work” and refused to let go. My passiveness was a reason to lead them on knowing the relationship was at its wits end. One of my ex’s was cheating, with no proof or evidence, I did the same. His reaction to the entire situation was to smile and laugh, we fell out on not so good terms due to the production of his infidelity, a baby. He would often ask me about my thoughts for him to procreate with another woman, knowing my tubes are tied. (The indication he was cheating) Our break-up was kind of messy (texts, internet messages, phone calls, name calling…), yet non violent and I shed not one tear. The main reason for the unremorseful feelings in terms of our break up was due to the lack of genuine, romantic emotion. I loved him and wished him the best, but I was not madly “in love” with that man, but I don’t hate him either. It’s just, ain’t nobody got time for games!
My infidelity caused me to hurt someone I truly loved, a gifted and talented artist. He never gave me a reason to believe he was a cheater and I continue to believe he was the most faithful man I had ever been with. Just couldn’t get past his emotional and mental illness. (His unresolved pain & hurt from previous relationships and childhood) Sometimes, I feared for my life because his fits of rage over the smallest things led to him frequently raising his voice and accusations of attempted cheating. The day I came to the conclusion to end the toxic relationship was the day I hurled a glass plate at him, “Frisbee-style”. As a non-violent person, I’m ashamed of the domestic violence that occurred that day and refused to allow that type of behavior in my home again. Possibly, the underlying issue of why I fear moving forward in relationships stem from my belief that living with your partner is a whole other animal. Back to the cheating. I kind of concocted a plan to get him away from me which included him moving to another city, hundreds of miles away. It was an easy task to accomplish because in previous discussions we talked about potentially moving to another city together it. I suggested he move first and get situated and I would follow suit at a later date. Our long distance relationship lasted for a few months before the cheating began on. At first, it was just talking to this “new guy” but he was physically in my space, so it led to my bedroom. To give some game away, the “new guy” knew about the long distance relationship and would clam up when he called. He did become my next boyfriend but you know his trust for me was low and still is. After, recently hanging out with him and sensing his assumption for the same physical interaction as 5 years ago, I realized the repercussion of our initial interaction. As for the ex whom I hurt and the final visit, which led to a physical altercation, with the inclusion of a night in the slammer (the reason I was detained is unrelated to the incident). Just know, that was the last straw. My ex calls on occasion with hopes of marrying me…I decline the invitation every time. He deserves better.
Let me stop right there because the next cheating story is good enough to receive monetary benefits for sharing it. It is story of dramatics at its finest, along with foolishness some people would detest. Maybe the unremorseful feelings of cheating stem from the ability to go back to these men if I choose to.
Why I am still desirable after such an unforgivable act? Guessingly, my honesty and not being malicious or intentionally trying to hurt the men in the relationship could be the reason. Possibly, my exes feel partially responsible for my cheating because they didn’t take heed to the verbal requests to better the relationship. Maybe, it was the good times full of laughter that gives them hope. I really don’t know…
Maturity should come with age and experiences, yet I still feel justified for the infidelity. This type of thinking has to stop. Turning over a new leaf and seeing my selfishness mirrored back at me has only returned impartially. Karma. That is the next dramatic chapter of my story intertwined into this thing called life. Until the next post, I hope you don’t judge me too harshly.
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Photo Credits: derrickjaxn.com, ynaija.com,theurbandaily.com