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Dating with Kids “Should Your Children Meet the People that You Date?”

Parenting / Single Moms Talk / May 29, 2013

Recently, I was asked to be a guest on the Blog Talk Radio Show, AfterHourz, to discuss the topic, “Dating with Kids.”  Interesting topic, right?  Not to mention one that I am very familiar with.  Many of you don’t know a LOT about me because I don’t put all my business on my blog, however, I will lay some things on the line for the sake of tying it into this discussion…

  1. I have a 10 year old son whose father has never been in his life.
  2. I don’t bring men around my son because I don’t want him to be attached to someone that I am not serious about and I have not been “serious” about anyone in the last 10 years.

Now, that being said, during the radio show, another blogger thought that it was okay to let your children see you go on dates and that you shouldn’t keep secrets from them.  No, I held my tongue…actually, I bit the shit out of it because I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but I frankly think that is a bunch of bullshit! kids meet men

As a single mother, I totally agree that you are still a woman, who has desires and needs and that you deserve to go out from time to time and have a good time.  I don’t believe that your child should meet every man that you date.  You child doesn’t even need to know that you are dating? FOR WHAT?  A child is a child and as a parent you don’t have to break down or explain EVERY single move that you make. YOU are the parent!

During the talk show, I explained that I am dating someone, he has met my child but I send my son to my mother’s house if we go out or if I spend the weekend at his house or vice versa.  My son doesn’t need to know that he slept over or I slept over his house.  My son doesn’t need to know that I am going out…period!  My reasoning is that until I establish that we are indeed going to be in a relationship, there is no need for my child to be around you like that.  If I decide tomorrow that this is not working out or that I’m no longer interested, then it is no harm…no foul!  I don’t want to have to explain to my son, whose father is not in his life, why such in such is no longer coming around and have to do that with every man who I date and decide that a relationship is not what we want.  Why would a mother, expose their child to a series of men that they are DATING because they want to be “open and not hide anything from their child?”  How does that look for your daughters?  Is that the example that you want her to see…a series of men that mom “dates” in and out of the house?  Really? As mothers, do we need to share EVERYTHING with our children?

Give me some feedback…What are your views on Dating with Kids?

 

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Photo Credit: datingadvice.chemistry.com heyracheladvice.blogspot.com

 

 

 


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Ty Knighten
Ty Knighten knows a thing or two about relationships and dating. A single mom from Calif., Ty decided to turn her experiences in love and relationships into a blog. Written with plenty of sass, her mission is to help women empower themselves to realize love, success and confidence through her articles. She writes about dating and relationships from the perspective of a single mom but adds insights that will help women and men as they maneuver through the confusing world of dating and relationships. You can reach her on Twitter @UHeardMeRight, on Facebook at The Sexy Single Mommy or connect with her on Google+ and Instagram at chocoty.




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7 Comments

on May 29, 2013

I could not agree with you more. Your children do not need to see every Tom, Dick and Harry that you date until it becomes serious. We are trying to grow kids up way too fast these days. All children need to see is that you are happy and loving them. All the details of your happiness do not need to be known until you think it is something serious. When I was a single man I was in no hurry to meet the kids until I knew it was serious. Want to run a guy away? Bring out the kids too soon. That will surely do it.

on May 29, 2013

No! No! And NO!

I know everyone is different and has their way of doing things. BUT when you become a mother, somethings just have to take a back seat! There’s NOTHING wrong with dating…at all. You’re alive so of course you have needs and such. But introducing your kid to every single one of those “needs” or men is just unacceptable. Kids question everything so if things don’t work out why would you leave something out there for them to question? I agree with this writer – unless you’re serious, there’s no need to meet the guy. It’s just too much!

on May 30, 2013

Heck no! I do not introduce anyone to my kids until I know we have established forward progression. For instance, I am not introducing a person that may want to take me to dinner from time to time or a guy that has “commitment” issues, to my children.

    on May 30, 2013

    Exactly! I don’t understand why woman do that!

on June 2, 2013

I agree 100%. It’s even dangerous to introduce a guy you don’t know well to your kids. Predators are on the look out for single parents, and kids are more vulnerable to people they know (we introduced him so he must be OK!) than to strangers we have warned them about.

    on June 2, 2013

    Yes, Ana! You have to be very careful with the men you bring around your kids.

on June 22, 2014

This is a very gray issue area. On one hand, true, it is important to maintain healthy and safe boundaries for the men who you may be dating, especially those that are more on a casual level. However, if you want to establish a relationship with your children that is built on trust and honesty, sneaking out the door for dates and overnight visits undermines that very fact.

When my daughter grows into a young lady of dating age, I want her to have enough respect for me to be open with me about her suitors and how/where they spend their time. But, if all she’s seen me model is deception, should I be surprised if every Friday she gives me the same “hanging out with friends” line, when I know there is a boy involved.

More importantly, I want my daughter to learn as she grows that not every relationship with someone of the opposite sex has to result in love or sexual intimacy. So, if I introduce her to someone as a “friend”, it’s essential that we are actually friends and not just people who date or sleep together. It helps her to establish healthy boundaries based on what she sees modeled before her. So, if her mother has a “friend” who occasionally meets us out at the movies or the park, then she needs to see friend behavior modeled.

By no means, am I saying to expose children to things beyond their developmental age or comprehension. I’d certainly hope that any single parent who is prepared and mature enough to rejoin the dating world, is one who has thought through the important aspects of dating with children.

But, I also think it’s important to be honest with the people you intend on becoming involved with as well. I can’t say out of my mouth to a man that my daughter is the most important thing in my life and then proceed to date him for 6 months and he never see that reality in action. It sends the wrong message that my number one priority is meant to be hidden away and not displayed proudly, if not protectively nonetheless. It’s like hiding all the “unattractive” photos of yourself from view online, it sends a mixed message.

Again, I’m not saying a child needs to see the graphic details of your growing intimate relationship, let alone watch a man come and go at all hours of the day and night. But, where is the harm in having a suitor meet you and your child out for bowling or pizza??

It’s more important to me that my daughter like somebody before I continue dating them. I’m not going to invest any extra time and energy into a man that my daughter doesn’t care for. Perhaps, it’s long range thinking to believe that any suitor would have to fit into our lives first and not the other way around.

Again, do the due diligence required in dating before anyone meets your child, but for goodness sake, begin with the end in mind!! And don’t hide behind having children as a reason to engage in deceptive behavior in your personal life.



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