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So What You Saying?
Recently, I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office and overheard two women talking about dating a man who was “separated” from his wife but they still lived together. One of the women expressed that she would not be down with that type of situation and that there was no way that she would ever go to the house because separated or not, that was STILL his wife’s house. She had the key to the house, his kids and it was her stuff in the house and like it or not, SHE WAS WIFEY! The other woman had another opinion. She was more open to the whole situation but she said that she would NEVER go to the house and had to be sure that they were indeed NOT together.
As I listen to the ladies talk to one another, I wanted to join in on the conversation but didn’t want to get the “side eye” so as I was leaving, I gave them both my card and told them, “I blog about situations like the one that you two are discussing. Check me out.”
I thought that I would get some feedback from my friends on Facebook and Twitter about their views on the subject and the feedback was very interesting. This is what I wrote, ” I overheard some women in the doctor’s office talking about dating someone who were separated but still live in the same house. Is this doable? Do some people do this because of the economy? Would you date someone in this situation? Would you (the new boo) go to the house, even if he invited you? “Share your thoughts”
It seems as though, those people who are single and have never been married, had the viewpoint of “HELL NO.” Here are some of their comments:
“This is bull. He and or she is lying. There is no separation. And you would NOT be invited over unless the WIFE/ or HUSBAND is out-of-town. #dontbelievethehype.”
“Hell NO!!!! & definitely wouldn’t step foot in that damn house!!!!”
“I wouldn’t. too risky. 1. if you don’t have any money to get in a right place you’re probably not ready for a relationship anyway. 2. that’s too close to your ex feelings can sometimes lurk unpredictably. like no that’s just a double whammy for me. too much stuff going on. too much baggage.”
“I know people live together because it’s financially beneficial to both, but it’s not for me. it would be too awkward to be in the home that the man I’m dating shares with his ex. i wouldn’t and don’t date men who are separated anyway. i don’t want to fool with you if you haven’t made a clean break and ended a previous relationship.”
“separated but still living together = it’s complicated which is still a “relationship” option the last I checked. So yeah, NOOOOO I would run from this kind of thing.”
“Heck no! This is unacceptable. Separated doesn’t mean divorced so technically you are having an affair with a married man! And I don’t willingly participate in sharing of men friends!”
“…as a single woman with no kids…nah, no way am I getting involved in a situation like that!”
“if you go to someone’s house that is living with their ex you are asking for trouble and you constantly have to wonder if they’re still sleeping together…….no bueno….if youre done be completely done and move the fuck on…..”
“so you’re supposed to be able to watch your ex in other relationships and cut off all emotional attachment….#delusional # that’s how people get killed”
“I dont think the economy is that bad where u have to settle for this, whatever u were contributing to that house u can use to get ur own place and either rent out or sell the house. I would not date someone in this situation, get urself together first before u come at me plus I would be wondering what was going on when they are home alone together every day.”
For those who have been divorced, are married or have been in similar situations or of a more mature age (50+), they had very different views on the subject. These are some of their comments:
“Yep!! Quite possible”
“Live in the same house..yet, take the business away from the house..mature people can handle this..for a minute!”
” …have been divorced for 256 days and I still live with my ex-husband. I have not dated since our divorce because I don’t like being messy. I don’t know if he’s dating or not, but I don’t think any man who is worth anything would go for that. “
“I’ve made it very clear what he does outside of the house is his business. There is no ‘company’ here. I don’t want our kids to see that. It’s confusing enough as an adult.”
“Before I was married … I was all hell to the NAW! lol but now that I am it’s just a bit more complicated than … get separated, get divorced, move out and on with life. Especially if you have been together for years and have kids.”
“Depends on the situation. I know separated people who live in the house that are fine with each other’s dating. Depends on the people and the situation.”
“I know a couple of ppl doing this b/c of economy!!,BUT THEY SET RULES& boundaries, so yea I would do it!!!”
“I ACTUALLY KNOW OF TWO COUPLES IN THIS SITUATION IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THEY’RE BETTER FRIENDS THAN THEY EVER WERE AS A COUPLE GO FIGURE”
After reading all these comments and chiming in on the conversations that my question provoked, I asked myself the question…what would I do or would I get involved at all? I know without a doubt that if a man told me that he was separated but still living with his wife, the first thought that would pop into my head is, “This MF is full of *ish!” I would instantly think that he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. NOT ME…NOT TODAY!. Now, would I date someone who was separated? Yes, depending on what their situation was and how soon was his divorce going to be final.
Now let me think about things from the perspective of a couple that is going through divorce and because of economic issues, one of the two can not afford to move right away. What do you do in a situation like this? I guess it will all depend on why you were getting divorced? Could you share a house with someone who had been unfaithful to you? Would it be different if the two of you “just grew apart?”
I think that if a couple was getting divorced because of infidelity, there is no way that you can share the same house but what if you (the woman) were the one that was working and your ex was a SAHM? You were the one bringing in the income for the family, your career was in full swing and you often had to take business trips out-of-town? You didn’t have any family around to help out or the kids just, of course, felt more comfortable at home with dad? Do you kick him out and figure out how you are going to juggle being a single mom and have a career that requires you to travel or do you allow your ex to stay with you, to help with the kids, while you maintain your career, i.e. Towanda Braxton, Toni Braxton’s sister who is separated from her husband but still living together.
In an interview with Freddyo, this is what she had to say about her situation, “Well you know, me being on the road all the time with my sisters and filming and stuff, I needed someone there of course with my kids and if I’m not there, their father should be there. That’s it! …with the kids it’s a together thing. We do things together. But as far as our marriage, we’re separated. I think that because you are separated or you’re not with that person, you don’t have to be mean and nasty. It doesn’t have to be ugly. Because when mommy and daddy separated and got a divorce it affected us and I don’t want that to ever happen to my kids. So what they see is that their mother loves them and that their father loves them. We don’t argue in front of the kids, they don’t see no type of division, so that’s what I want my children to see. I tell you what, there is so many people now who are going through the same thing that I am going through because of the recession, because of the economy. I’m telling you, it has affected so many people.”
I guess everyone has to do what works best for your situation. What works for you, may not work for someone else. However, if you are a woman or a man faced with the question of whether or not to become involved with someone in this situation, before you run to the hills, you should take the time to ask some questions, first. Get a whole story and then make your final decision. You never know what you will uncover.
Would you date someone who was “separated?”
What are your feelings on couples who are “separated” but still share a house because of economic reasons?
Would you be willing to live with your spouse in that type of situation?
Photo Credits: nymag.com, justachitowngirl.com,