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We Teach People How To Treat Us

Dating & Relationships / Single Mommy Stuff / September 17, 2012


As I watched, Iyanla Fix My Life with Evelyn Lozada, there were SO many messages that stood out to me but the one that keep resounding in my head was, “We teach people how to treat us.”



Recently, I wrote about letting “Bullshit back in” and after saying those 6 words a couple of times in my head, I realized that I can not put 100% of the blame on a man who I felt “did me wrong” because I “taught” him how to treat me.

Women, when you REALLY think about those 6 words, how many of you, (if you are REALLY being honest with yourself)  have “taught”  men to treat you badly?  Think about it.

Now, let’s get REAL …

When you allow a man to “treat” you like a booty call, you CAN’T get mad because he won’t take you out or around his family because you TAUGHT him that it was okay to call you in the middle of the night to come over for sex.  EVERY TIME that you opened your legs to that man without a commitment, hell, without even taking you out at all…you TAUGHT him how to treat you!


When you allow a man to tell you that, “I’m not ready for a relationship,” but you want one, yet you decide to “just hang out” with him…you are TEACHING him how to treat you!

When you live with a man and allow yourself to give him ALL THE BENEFITS OF A WIFE …you have TAUGHT him how to treat you!

Every time that you do something in a relationship or a “situation,” repeatedly you are “teaching.”  When you answer the phone every time that he calls and if he says, “Jump!”  You say, “How high?”  If you are always accommodating to a man but who is never there when you need him…you have taught him how to treat you!

How many times have you TAUGHT a man how to treat you and become upset when the outcome was not what you wanted?  How can you then, get upset with men who didn’t respect you or who you have labeled as a “DOG” but you take no responsibility for the situation? How is that fair when women hold all the cards in a relationship?  Nothing happens that we don’t allow.

Every time that you do something in a relationship or a “situation,” repeatedly you are “teaching.”  I think that as women, we need to be more aware of that, especially, if we are not getting the results that we want. You can not expect to be a hoe and then expect a man to want to wife youIt’s not going to happen.  If you have a been a booty call, a hoe, etc. you have “taught” that man what type of woman that he is dealing with, thus he treats you as such.

You have to OWN the lessons that you have taught.  You can’t be mad at a man for learning the lesson.  Plus, if he was a man has morals, who respected women and who was not looking for the lessons that you were teaching, you would not be in the situation that we, as women often find ourselves in when things don’t go a planned.

The lesson in teaching people how to treat us does not only pertain to dating and relationships, but in our every day lives, as well.  If we accept, tolerate and accommodate bad behavior and disrespect from others, you have taught them that it is acceptable to treat you in such a manner.

STOP ACCEPTING, TOLERATING AND ACCOMMODATING DISRESPECT!  Teach and demand respect from men and those around you.  Don’t cry about it, complain that “you can’t find a good man,” or that “people just walk all over you!”  YOU TAUGHT THOSE LESSONS! OWN IT AND CHANGE IT!  There is no better time to start than today.  When you know better, you do better.  Now you know!




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Ty Knighten
Ty Knighten knows a thing or two about relationships and dating. A single mom from Calif., Ty decided to turn her experiences in love and relationships into a blog. Written with plenty of sass, her mission is to help women empower themselves to realize love, success and confidence through her articles. She writes about dating and relationships from the perspective of a single mom but adds insights that will help women and men as they maneuver through the confusing world of dating and relationships. You can reach her on Twitter @UHeardMeRight, on Facebook at The Sexy Single Mommy or connect with her on Google+ and Instagram at chocoty.

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on September 18, 2012

I am totally guilty of this. Even though I am married I realize that I am teaching many people in my life that it is okay and mistreat me and I won’t do anything about it. My not wanting to really deal with confrontation makes avoid it the wrong way and allows people to do what they want to me. I have got to stop it.

on September 18, 2012

I was really moved by this interview and I really think that Ev learned an important lesson, HOWEVER…. I did not like how Iyanla did not allow Ev to come to her own conclusions so she really could LEARN her own lesson. She basically “told” her about herself and how Iyanla felt she was living her life. Although it was true…. I felt Iyanla should have asked more questions instead of TELLING Ev her truths!

    on September 18, 2012

    Well said! No wthat you bring it up, that is exactly what she did. I thought that part of therapy is for ‘you” to figure out the problem not to be “told.”

on September 18, 2012

I am of the opinion that we as people have to be oh so careful how we treat others. Whether you believe the Bible or not, it is true. YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW. Evelyn carried herself like a classless wild woman with no respect for herself, her beautiful daughter or anyone else. Throwin’ wine glasses at folks. Cursin’ like a Navy sailor. Allowin’ her man to fondle her breasts & other..ahem..body parts for the paparazzi. Gettin’ on a radio show takin’ ’bout how she likes to “toss salad.” C’mon now!! You tell me. What decent, upstanding man would want her as a real wife carryin’ on like that?!! ALL IN THE NAME OF ENTERTAINMENT. She gave Chad the impression that it was ok for him to have multiple partners as long as he used protection. Did she think that just cuz he put a ring on it that things were all of a sudden gonna be different? Did she think that he would finally notice her virtue or value as a woman and treat her like a real lady with character & integrity? Pfft. Chile’ please.

    on September 18, 2012

    LOL! You are so right! I don’t know what she was expecting to happen? I guess she thought that after he “put a ring on it” then he would change. What a fool she was for thinking that! I believe that Karma is a MF and she got hers back 10 fold! You can not expect to act in the manner that she was acting and expect people to respect you! It’s not going to happen! Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment. I appreciate it.

on September 18, 2012

Wow this was a great post. It really hit home. Thanks for this.

    on September 18, 2012

    Your welcome! I am glad that you enjoyed it!

on September 18, 2012

I agree that we have to teach people how to treat us. There used to be a time when people showed you respect right off the bat until you did something to not deserve it. That practice is gone in today’s society. For some many of us it’s so easy to make excuses. However, once we know better, we should really practice better and then pass that knowledge on down to our kids and other loved ones.

Great post! Found your blog from BLM on FB.

on September 18, 2012

Worst part about all that is the young girls who think acting like Evelyn did is cute. Or the ones who don’t look for a good man to treat them right, they just look for a man with deep pockets and allow him to act any kind of way. They end up having babies by these men and fighting on Facebook, TV or in interviews calling him all kinds of nasty names until he pays her off. And their mommas are no better by letting them act a fool and not teaching them how to be ladies. Girls idolize hoes because their absentee mamas don’t teach them any differently.

on September 20, 2012

Hi just wanted to say that I like your article very much. Please keep up the good posts Thanks a ton! and Have a good day

on September 20, 2012

Hey loving the blog.You have some great post especially this one there are many women would could benefit from this read.Like you said it not only apply to your men, but anyone you know. From your fellow BLM

    on September 21, 2012

    Thanks for stopping by!

on September 25, 2013

[…] think you can be actually in love with two people at once is because that involves some sort of sharing of attention. I really believe that when you’re in love, the sharing of your emotions might […]

on April 22, 2014

This is an excellent post! Not only am I guilty of allowing someone to treat me like a booty call for three years (I’ve known him for 30 years). But when I finally shut down the cookies he acted like it wasn’t that big a deal anyway. So three years of my life I can’t get back, my pride and self respect were in shambles when he did not even contact me for the Christmas holidays but sent a text saying “Happy New Year on New Year’s Day”.

But once I accepted responsibility for my actions and told him no more cookies, I felt so much better about myself. No more hurt feelings when he did not call or get in touch with me. I thought I would crumble, but in fact I am stronger, wiser and treating myself better than ever.

Thanks for the post!

    on April 23, 2014

    Hey Sunflower, I’m glad this post was one that you could relate to. Sista, we have all been in a situation when we allowed someone to treat us badly for whatever reason. The most important thing is that we accept responsibility and not go back to our old ways

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