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Catch Me Elsewhere
F—k me. No, not f—k me as in something has gone terribly wrong, palm to the forehead I can’t believe this happened f—k me, but f—k me as in lay me down and have your way with me. I could ask him to make love to me but on tonight I’m telling him to f—k me.
Oh don’t act so surprised. If you’ve never said it you’ve thought it. I just so happen to sometimes say it the moment after the thought takes residence in my mind. Yes it’s gutter, and unladylike, and downright lewd, but it’s the stuff that arched backs, pointed toes, excitement, and high notes are made of.
Trust me – though I know you don’t trust me seeing as my first contributing post was about swallowing and on this post the F-bomb made its debut on the first sentence – nonetheless, I am asking that you trust me when I tell you that talking dirty is not relegated to porn stars or Janet Jackson aka “Miss Jackson if you’re nasty”. It is also for us ladies who cross our T’s and dot our I’s. It is for those of us who generally ditch the F-bomb and opt instead for words like, “thank you,” “please,” and “excuse me.”
However, and this is a big however, there are times when we need to check the pleasantries at the door and let go of some of our inhibitions (this is where you consider swallowing) and be as raw as our mate can tolerate. Thank you sex education instructor for teaching us appropriate anatomy terms, we will surely use them when teaching our children and when dictating medical instructions. When we’re in the bedroom, or on the stairs, or in the sauna, or wherever we land when the mood may strike and we’re looking to release some tension our dirty talk will prevail and the word breasts will be swapped for any number of words that porn stars and perverts (and I) use on a regular. It just is what it is.
Dirty talk, naughty talk, sexy talk, whatever the term, can be both arousing and stimulating to the senses. Walk into the house, kiss your mate, and whisper in his/her ear, “f—k me,” and if your mate’s day hasn’t (or in some cases if it has) been a horrible getting f—ked ‘o-thon where everything that could have gone wrong went wrong, I can almost guarantee that the two of you might be on the way to one of the most stimulating evenings ever.
I realize that some of us may not say anything at all during sex, with the exception of, “Are you finished?” or “Is it in?” (If this sounds like a replay of last nights escapade between you and your mate then I apologize for my vulgarity and my condolences to you and yours for the extreme boredom you must experience in you sex life.) I understand that it can be totally embarrassing to talk dirty, especially if you’re a dirty talk novice, so I’ll share a tip from a dirty talk expert (yes, there are actually people who have hustled someone into paying them for these “tips”) and encourage you to describe to your partner, either in person or via text, an explicit sexual fantasy to help guide you on the road to talking dirty and maybe to the best sex of your life.
My tip: If you’re feeling uncomfortable about talking dirty and have no idea what to say try either listening to your favorite “love making” CD or put that CD on during foreplay and whisper some of the sexiest lines of the song into your mates ear while making love.
Being obscene and talking dirty does not have to be one in the same. The F-bombs and other X-rated words can be tucked away and the sexual talk can still be just as arousing. After all it’s not necessarily what you say, but how you say it. Talking dirty and being on the receiving end of dirty talk is certainly not for everyone and it’s not necessary every single time but sometimes it takes an F-bomb, and maybe some pineapples, a Cinnabon (thank you Arthur and David for your advice), and a deep inhale, to get the job done. Because I am such a f–king lady I’m doing all of the above followed by a curtsy as I’m applauded for a job well done.
Can you talk the talk or does too many words turn you off?
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