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Catch Me Elsewhere
Dear Sexy Single Mommy,
I have been cheated on by 4 of the 6 people I have dated (I’m 21.) There are two that really mattered to me.
I started dating boyfriend #1, right out of high school. We moved way too fast and moved in together at the beginning of November 2009. It was stressful being so young (me, 18 and him, 19) and living together, both working full-time, but I loved it! I loved having someone to take care of, our own house and being independent. That was, until he accidentally left his email open and I saw that he had been replying to the “Casual Encounters” posts on Craigslist. He swore up and down to me that it was just talking and that he had never actually met up with anyone. We broke up (still living together) for about 2 weeks, but decided to give it another try.
We lived together for a few more months before I found out that he had started doing the same thing again, and that he basically had an online girlfriend who was 16, who he told he loved and exchanged dirty pictures with. I thought we were serious, although I didn’t have a ring, we both agreed we were in love and we were planning on getting married. Anyway, after a year of dating/10 months of living together I decided it was time to move closer to my family. I got a roommate at a house closer to home and he moved in with his sister about 15 minutes away from me.
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We “saw each other” for a few months, but weren’t serious and he ended up dating someone else. It had changed from him begging me for another chance, to me willing to do anything to be with him and him not caring. That was in 2010 and we have pretty much been doing that same thing over and over until February of 2012. After he got a girlfriend in 2010, I started seeing someone and him and I didn’t talk for a year. Then we actually started dating again, but after 2 weeks I found out that he had actually cheated on me a week into us being together again.
Since then he seems to think that the best option is for him to act like a player and make everything sexual any time we communicate. It’s sad because I know he is a good person, he just puts on this mask like he’s a ladies man. Every time I try to talk to him and either be his friend, or in the past (before my current relationship) when I would try to talk to him in the hopes of getting together again, he would just treat me like a piece of meat. Every thing I said was turned sexual. Any mention of hanging out or catching up was translated into “yeah, I want to have sex with you.” Then if I called him out on it and said that he’s only talking to me to get in my pants, he gets all offended and says he can’t believe I would think that and gives me the silent treatment.
Recently when he found out the person I’m engaged to cheated on me, he was actually really supportive and nice. Then he turned sexual, like that is going to solve my problem. I told him that I was going to give my fiance another chance, he got mad and told me to leave him alone, lose his number and said “I love you…bye.” Which he hadn’t said to me in over a year.
I hate to admit it but I still love him and I don’t think that will ever change. I just wish he would grow up and talk to me and treat me like a normal human being instead of a piece of ass. I really wish we could be friends, because I really do want him in my life.
So let’s fast forward to the present. I met my fiance on April 3rd, 2012, on our first day of work. We were both starting a job and were in the same training class. We actually didn’t start talking until a few weeks into the class when we realized (from a T-shirt I was wearing) that we both know American Sign Language. At the time, I had just become single, and he had a girlfriend. I’m not proud of this at all, but we started seeing each other anyway. After about a month, he admitted to me that he had slept with another girl we worked with. I was upset but figured I had no right to be because technically we weren’t together, and if anyone should be upset it should be his girlfriend!
I forgave him, and about a week later he broke up with his girlfriend. We continued seeing each other and a week or so after he became single we officially started being exclusive. Fast forward to December 2012: living together, I find out that he has been flirting with other girls. I called him out on it. I said, “I know what you’ve done, so just tell me everything or leave.” He proceeded to admit that he has cheated on me 7 times with 4 different girls in the 6 months we have been together. (Not counting one that wasn’t actually sex.) That really wasn’t what I had been expecting!
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At the time, I wasn’t working and he was paying all of the bills. I broke up with him, and he began to sleep in the living room and I began to frantically start applying for jobs, trying to figure out how I was going to support myself. However, after talking to a friend who went through couple’s counseling with her boyfriend (now husband), I decided that if he was willing to go through counseling with me, then I was willing to give him a second chance.
So here we are… Now engaged, my insurance doesn’t cover counseling and we are still waiting for a response from his insurance on if they will cover it or not. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but technically, how do I know that anything has changed, you know?
WHAT THE SEXY SINGLE MOMMY WOULD DO…
In Limbo, I must admit that you have a LOT going on to be just 21 years old. So much so that I had to dissect your letter and make notes.
As far as boyfriend #1 is concerned, you were both too young to be living together and to be in a committed relationship. Fresh out of high school and out of your parents houses, you both weren’t ready to “play house.” I think that boyfriend #1 was sowing his wild oats. He was trying to give it to any and every chick who would let him but the problem besides him cheating is that he compromised your health. Excuse me for jumping to conclusions by assuming that he was not using condoms with all of these women but I would wager to say that he was not. Since his conversations after the break up were basically sexual, you can tell right there where his mind was at. He was not worth your time.
Boyfriend #2 your fiance…I am kinda confused when you say that you weren’t “technically” together but “started seeing each other” even though you knew he had a girlfriend. “Technically,” he was cheating on her with you, as well as with the other chick from work, too. “Karma is a MF” and that my dear is the truth and it has come back to bite you in the ass, not once but seven times! He showed you who he was right from the gate. Did you really think that he would change?
I think that your biggest problem is that you seem to jump into relationships very quickly. You really need to take your time and get to know someone first. It hasn’t even been a year and you’re engaged. He has cheated on you by having sex with 4 different women and your reason for staying is…you love him. Girl, you need to run and run fast as hell! There is not that much love in the free world! He has proven the type of boyfriend…fiance…that he is already. Why would you believe that he will be any different as a husband?
Counseling? Not as a couple. I think you both need individual counseling (which you can receive free through local churches or places of worship or try online for programs near you that offer free counseling). You need to work on yourself and your self-esteem before you can be with anyone else. You can not give anyone you…all of you, as a wife should because you have some things that you need to work on first.
You don’t deserve to be treated like this. You deserve to have someone who treats you like a queen. I really think that you need to let this relationship go, work on you and you will find someone who is truly deserving of you. Let me know how things turn out.
IT’S YOUR TURN…WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A SITUATION THAT IS SIMILAR TO THIS ONE? HOW DID YOU COPE?
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