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Catch Me Elsewhere
It doesn’t have to be one of those weird relationships where the woman has to travel to a truck stop on the state border in the middle of the night in order to do a number two, but let’s try to keep at least a minimal veneer of discretion. People who start pooping and farting and being generally gross with complete impunity around their loved ones are people who have given up on romance. I’m sorry, but there are some things that should remain at least somewhat personal. And sometimes, life happens, but there is no reason to abandon every effort to be a little respectful when it comes to your bodily functions.
There is a time and a place for sarcasm, and it is never when someone is genuinely angry about something. Sarcasm during a fight is the equivalent of pouring gasoline on a house fire and then calling the fire department to be like “I don’t even know what happened, man!!!!”
Food is one of the most essential, democratic pleasures in life. If you are always picking the restaurant, taking the last slice, or deciding what is going to be made for dinner, there is a high chance that your partner is dying inside of a slow, withering kind of sadness. Everyone deserves the autonomy when it comes to food — at least once in a while — and denying them that is just cruel and unusual punishment. I mean, my boyfriend loves those really big white asparagus steamed into flaccidity and drizzled with olive oil. I think that they are the mushy penises of the food world. But sometimes, we have them, and that’s because I love him and his gross phallic food. <3
Just because they’re not a roommate doesn’t mean you don’t have to respect their boundaries. If you use up all their toothpaste, have the decency to replace it. It just adds that extra touch of “I care about you and don’t want you to feel taken advantage of” that takes any relationship to the next level.
Ohhhhh myyyyyy goddddd, I have to stop doing this. I just can’t let my baby white Galaxy S4 go (#TeamGalaxy #TeamiPhoneIsForPlebes #TeamUpgradeUrWholeLife #TeamMacLaptopButAndroidPhone #TeamAllMyProgramsAreGoogleAnyway #TeamWhoTheHellUsesItunesAtThisPoint #TeamGetOnMyLevel) no matter how bad I know it is. In all seriousness, though, it turns a romantic dinner in one of those sad “let’s never be that couple” moments. It turns sex into an incredibly stilted, disappointing affair. It turns life into a distraction that keeps you from scrolling through your Instagram. It’s just negative.
In this instance, the “company” is your relationship, and the “product” is your solid foundation of trust and discretion. Whether it’s taking to your blog to talk about that hilariously zany time he couldn’t get it up, or telling a friend all about the way she goes batshit insane if you change the channel on Real Housewives, it’s just so uncool. There are some things that are meant to remain intimate, and slowly chipping away on the exclusives that the two of you are getting on one another’s inner workings is a one-way ticket to the Resentment Resort on Ill-Will Island.
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Photo Credits: damajority.com, marriagecounselingblog.com, news.naij.com